Large Doner Kebab, Lazeez Tandoori, Edinburgh.

Offering: Large Doner Kebab

Establishment: Lazeez, Edinburgh

Date and time: 13th November 2016, 18:05

Price: £4.95

Seating: Around 10 seats


In 2010, I was working late nights at the western side of town - I never knew a thing about any doner establishments further west than Lothian Road. One autumn night that year, that was to change forever.  

This unassuming, slightly down-trodden looking takeaway caught my eye. I have a real passion for places that look quite rough on the outside and maybe even on the inside, but once you get past the shabbiness, you are greeted by people who have worked day and night to provide delicious food to people in the know (see Kebab Mahal [expect a review soon], The Sicilian Pastry Shop and Marcella.) They are usually run by salt of the earth people that have been plying their trade for decades in the same spot. There seems to be ten a penny pretentious eateries but gems like those mentioned above are really what good food's all about. And a good bab.


If kebabs were like the girl or boy you've been seeing for a while, the doner from Lazeez would be something akin to your weekend plaything; as soon as you see it, you know you want it, you'll devour it for all it's worth and you'll probably cry yourself to sleep at night when it's gone and you can't have your wicked way with it once more.

Remember the time you first had a kebab? Do you remember the feeling of satisfaction after you finished it? Do you remember how you're life changed forever? Would you like to feel that again? Go to Lazeez. Go there now.

You'd be forgiven for thinking that this place is not going to offer much, truth is though, it offers everything you might want from an Pakistani/Indian takeaway.

When I received the kebab, it was handed to me in a tight paper wrap; quite unconventional. When I took my seat, I was informed by the lady behind the counter that I should have told her I was sitting in, she would have served the kebab in a plate, no problem I said, I was happy to eat this as is.

The photo above, to me is a work of art. This is what kebabs in the UK are - they look nasty but incredible, something that would make some cower in fear and other ravish it's very spot. It's the imagery above, as well as seeing the doner on the spit that makes certain people turn their nose up at the thought of a kebab (but they'll happily eat sausages and burgers!) and what makes the other half's stomach growl in madness and desire. I am very much the latter.

The cuts of lamb* on this kebab are a thickness once only ever dreamt off. Nice thick cuts, the kind that you really enjoy swallowing in satisfaction. This kebab was definitely one of the most satisfying I've ever eaten.

...it only burst at the lower seams in grand merriment when its plentiful lamb contents could no longer be contained...

Upon the gracious lift, so stunning was the mouthful: the sauces, not remotely domineering but at the same time, just, understated yet making true impact on their subtle spiciness, not like the sugary red-coloured vegetables you get in some places but rather both youghurt and chilli were so well-balanced, so well adjusted to the texture of the lamb that it was breathtaking piece of culinary perfection; the lamb cuts, the thickness of which must have taken a long time to perfect; the pitta itself, whilst generic, it was cooked to magnificence defined - it only burst at the lower seams in grand merriment when its plentiful lamb contents could no longer be contained!

This succulent piece of doner grandeur could only have been crafted by a master artisan at the very top of their game.

As I saw myself out; my mind altered; my stomach in doner-induced ecstasy - I asked the Scottish-accented Pakistani lady whether they make the chilli sauce themselves: "Yes, did you like it?" "No..." I responded. Before adding "...it was reasonable." You have to keep them on their toes - before you know it, they're begin resting on their laurels.

Verdict: 9/10  

 

*After a further visit, I was informed by this establishment that the meat they use for their doner is in fact a mixture of lamb and beef.

Doner; Reclaiming Our Heritage From The Elite.

Around 40 years ago, if you wanted to eat a quick healthy meal after a hard days graft, you only had the choice of the local chip shop establishment at best, or if you were particularly poor, a packet of Golden Wonder would have to suffice. That was until a new exotic food from the continent started appearing on side streets and main thoroughfares; Scotland, the UK and the rest of the world had changed forever.

It was around this time that analysts noted the stark contrasts in the British socio-political landscape, such striking differences that still reverberate to this day. Indeed it would be the late 1970's when Margaret Thatcher would be appointed Prime Minister and the first notes of punk-rock had been playing in underground nightclubs in what seemed like urban wastelands, shattering all preconceived notions of what popular music could be.

Some 15 Years earlier, the Americans relentlessly raced the Russians to the moon and when Neil Armstrong symbolically first step foot on the reflective surface of that world, he was underwhelmed that he didn't find what he was looking for.

For thousands of years, books had been written; schools of thought had formed; entire civilisations had emerged, perished and re-emerged. The greatest thinkers of all time were about to be humbled: Stephen Hawking, Albert Einstein, Zlatan. A momentous occasion was upon us!

Soon the day would come. Soon the day would come when a meal so delightful in it's presentation, so exquisite in its posture. So ergonomically advanced and ahead of it's time, boasting a mere 1100 calories...  Soon the day would dawn.

What Armstrong was looking for had been happening for centuries in the Middle East. I have no idea why he went to the moon. Neither did he.

Like the Whirling Dervish, the food known to rotate on a spit was almost upon us - it's rough textured slithers of only the choicest quality, cut to perfection by the only the most qualified artisan, complete with chef's hat, charming apron, preferably a thick moustache and non-native English speaking accent.

...overnight, those who had once been so powerful, saw themselves slip off the radar as each sharpened knife tore into grilled minced lamb; the regiments began revolting, the army as a unified single force tore through the establishment...

One incredibly fateful day, it was as if the birth of a new nation had taken place. A people united only by a shared desire of what culinary perfection could be. An unstoppable desire, a zeitgeist unlike any before it, a true moment of wonder was upon us!


As the slithers of delightful joy tumbled on the pitta, dancing on the bread like heavens children or the notes of a harp, a moment previously unimaginable had just taken place. When it rained a mysterious red along with the greenery one would only have seen in exotic gardens, topped up and presented to our subjects, the looks of amazement and euphoria were unquestionable.

Neil Armstrong finally found what he was looking for.

Golden Wonder would one day catch up, but it was too late. For by then the providential impact of the Turkish community on Scotland and the UK could never be reversed. The edible champion had successfully orchestrated what would go on to be considered one of the biggest, most relentless coup d'etats of all time.

There were suggestions...campaigns; demonstrations even!! This is where true power lies. This magnificent foodstuff must replace the face of the Queen on British currency. It was as if overnight, those who had once been so powerful, saw themselves slip off the radar as each sharpened knife tore into grilled minced lamb; the regiments began revolting, the army as a unified single force tore through the establishment like...well, like the artisan chef himself.

The Doner Kebab had finally arrived in the UK.