Kebab Mahal, Edinburgh

Offering: Naan King Doner

Establishment: Kebab Mahal, Edinburgh

Date and time: 31st December 2016, 15:02

Price: £5.99

Seating: Around 20 seats and 6 tables, often a waiting time.


Like Lazeez, Kebab Mahal is one of those places that has been around for decades, it looks basic from the outside and but you can tell how well loved it is by the hustle and bustle of the passing and repeat custom it receives. Often, people who enter the doors know the owner by name and this is usually a good indication that if the place was not here, it would be sorely missed. Also like Lazeez, the interior of this place is so understated that many people would never give it a second thought or would be put off by the lack of sophistication - those people probably eat entire pizzas with a knife and fork. The awards on display at the far wall are a telling sign; this place spends it's money on the food rather the decor.

I had to stop coming here for a while. Not because I wasn't a fan of the food - au contraire; the owner and his son knew exactly what I wanted every time I walked through that old-fashioned door: the Naan King Doner (that's what I like to call it, it really rolls off the tongue). I felt slight embarrassment that I had become so predictable and that I had been coming so frequently, I decided I would not have a doner from Kebab Mahal for a good six or so months. On the tail end of the year, I returned only to be greeted by the bearded owner with my order known in advance and told to me before I had uttered a word, almost as if the owner was looking at a clock and spoke the time - I couldn't escape it - they knew everything; the extra chilli, the extra onions, the slight splash of yogurt sauce! It would take much longer than only six months before they would ever forget my order. I really don't know whether this would be impressive if I was to attend to a kebab with company; would my friends be impressed? more than likely, they would joke that I was too deeply entrenched in the doner underworld and that there was now no turning back.

As I sat down on one of the round tables, I asked the garcon for his finest, most delectable of table waters to which he assisted in large jug accompanied by a small glass tumbler. The service was, as usual quite speedy, the fresh naan arrived with a chunky topping of doner meat and a sparse yet simple salad consisting of all the usual suspects but with an added yet often overlooked compadre - white cabbage.  Often enough, red cabbage is the desired accompaniment of the cabbage family, however in this particular establishment white cabbage seems to be considered amongst the penultimate items that deliver a higher state of doner consciousness. I don't completely disagree. I do however prefer red cabbage. Red cabbage feels like it can be overloaded in a kebab and it would not usually ruin it however, I've found that when the same happens with its white counterpart, it can feel far too crowded a kebab and must be shredded to thinner pieces. Another seriously enjoyable aspect of the red cabbage is the fact that it often comes soaked in a pickle vinegary liquid, similar to the jalapenos juice - a very desirable liquid indeed but this liquid, this liquid is not here as we have fresh white cabbage. Instead, the entire salad is soaked in a zingy lemon dressing, it really brings a captivating succulence to the entire experience.

...when the chilli sauces are having their way for you, make room for the captivating yogurt supremo!

The lady in red, lumpy and thick with it's chunks and probably slightly dry when compared to its sistren sauces; it contains a burn comparable to that of Original Best Kebab House.  There is a sister in red too; a sweeter, runnier affair. Whist the lady is quite an intense vinegar heavy condiment, the sister is way less dominant and lets her sibling take over as the main attraction.

And when it all becomes too much, when the chilli sauces are having their way for you, make room for the captivating yogurt supremo! Your stimulated taste buds will be cooled by it's creamy, runny coriander touch.

The doner meat has been cut medium to thin, think about as thick as Marmaris but not as wide cuts. This meat also extremely heavy, settles in your stomach like the meat of a burger and I'm certain that it is entirely beef, this is also ensured by the texture that tastes much more dense rather than the floatier, lighter taste of lamb. The meat has been seasoned to a medium spiciness but with the added density of the beef, the spiciness appears to be amplified.

The naan bread was fresh, warm and thick. It had all the delightful air bubbles that give it a wispy, soft texture. A grand companion to it's splendid content.

As I finish polishing off this fine feast, I look to the wall to my right and tell myself the same thing I do every time I come here after looking at the numerous awards indicated: I must one day get a curry here and one day I will but until the very charming owner forgets my order upon entry, I feel I really can't challenge the man.

Verdict: 8/10

Large Doner Kebab, Lazeez Tandoori, Edinburgh.

Offering: Large Doner Kebab

Establishment: Lazeez, Edinburgh

Date and time: 13th November 2016, 18:05

Price: £4.95

Seating: Around 10 seats


In 2010, I was working late nights at the western side of town - I never knew a thing about any doner establishments further west than Lothian Road. One autumn night that year, that was to change forever.  

This unassuming, slightly down-trodden looking takeaway caught my eye. I have a real passion for places that look quite rough on the outside and maybe even on the inside, but once you get past the shabbiness, you are greeted by people who have worked day and night to provide delicious food to people in the know (see Kebab Mahal [expect a review soon], The Sicilian Pastry Shop and Marcella.) They are usually run by salt of the earth people that have been plying their trade for decades in the same spot. There seems to be ten a penny pretentious eateries but gems like those mentioned above are really what good food's all about. And a good bab.


If kebabs were like the girl or boy you've been seeing for a while, the doner from Lazeez would be something akin to your weekend plaything; as soon as you see it, you know you want it, you'll devour it for all it's worth and you'll probably cry yourself to sleep at night when it's gone and you can't have your wicked way with it once more.

Remember the time you first had a kebab? Do you remember the feeling of satisfaction after you finished it? Do you remember how you're life changed forever? Would you like to feel that again? Go to Lazeez. Go there now.

You'd be forgiven for thinking that this place is not going to offer much, truth is though, it offers everything you might want from an Pakistani/Indian takeaway.

When I received the kebab, it was handed to me in a tight paper wrap; quite unconventional. When I took my seat, I was informed by the lady behind the counter that I should have told her I was sitting in, she would have served the kebab in a plate, no problem I said, I was happy to eat this as is.

The photo above, to me is a work of art. This is what kebabs in the UK are - they look nasty but incredible, something that would make some cower in fear and other ravish it's very spot. It's the imagery above, as well as seeing the doner on the spit that makes certain people turn their nose up at the thought of a kebab (but they'll happily eat sausages and burgers!) and what makes the other half's stomach growl in madness and desire. I am very much the latter.

The cuts of lamb* on this kebab are a thickness once only ever dreamt off. Nice thick cuts, the kind that you really enjoy swallowing in satisfaction. This kebab was definitely one of the most satisfying I've ever eaten.

...it only burst at the lower seams in grand merriment when its plentiful lamb contents could no longer be contained...

Upon the gracious lift, so stunning was the mouthful: the sauces, not remotely domineering but at the same time, just, understated yet making true impact on their subtle spiciness, not like the sugary red-coloured vegetables you get in some places but rather both youghurt and chilli were so well-balanced, so well adjusted to the texture of the lamb that it was breathtaking piece of culinary perfection; the lamb cuts, the thickness of which must have taken a long time to perfect; the pitta itself, whilst generic, it was cooked to magnificence defined - it only burst at the lower seams in grand merriment when its plentiful lamb contents could no longer be contained!

This succulent piece of doner grandeur could only have been crafted by a master artisan at the very top of their game.

As I saw myself out; my mind altered; my stomach in doner-induced ecstasy - I asked the Scottish-accented Pakistani lady whether they make the chilli sauce themselves: "Yes, did you like it?" "No..." I responded. Before adding "...it was reasonable." You have to keep them on their toes - before you know it, they're begin resting on their laurels.

Verdict: 9/10  

 

*After a further visit, I was informed by this establishment that the meat they use for their doner is in fact a mixture of lamb and beef.

Regular Lamb Doner Kebab, Cappadocia, Edinburgh.

Offering: Regular Lamb Doner Kebab

Establishment: Cappadocia, Edinburgh

Date and time: 9th November 2016, 16:30

Price: £5 (concession)

Seating: Around 15


When I was a teenager, after getting annoyed about about my friend's failure to leave The Wee Red Bar, it was common place to acquire what I would consider for much of my foolish teenage years as the pinnacle of bab heaven. A place that would be open when every other babbery had closed. A place that pretended to be closed too but upon closer inspection, one would observe a trickle of drunken ne'er-do-well's emerging from the dimly lit baby-blue takeaway at 03:30. Cappadocia was my palace and I was king!     

Some years later, I experienced a vast array of kebabs from the finest that this country has to offer. I would come realise my embarrassment that Cappadocia probably wasn't exactly how I remembered it but rather, it was maybe the attachment of fond memories of illegal kebabs that tainted my thoughts.


A very vegetable textured chilli sauce, quite weak but the thickness and texture of it is perhaps it's most distinctive and enjoyable feature. Upon first touch, the most defining aspect of this kebab is the fact that it was overwhelmed with it's salad brother. If you look at the photo, you will notice that there is little in the way of meat in this kebab - this is unfair as moving the salad reveals it's carved lamb glories.

... a handful of fried potato companions by it's side - a true testament to a beloved bab, it's a sign that the server and indeed the establishment itself cares about it's customers...

The meat itself is distinctive yet somewhat unbalanced; there seems to be an imbalance in both the texture and the flavour, not the greatest meat I've had, in fact, a bit disappointing. It is unmistakable but you will probably only really enjoy this kebab if you never eaten one for around 5 months (round here, that's unrealistic).

One fine aspect of the Cappadocia experience is the fact that you get a handful of fried potato companions by it's side - a true testament to a beloved bab, it's a sign that the server and indeed the establishment itself cares about it's customers.

Combining the chilli with mayo on the chips is indeed a pleasant experience but the establishment in question does not really do much for me with it's main doner delight. If you're around, give it a bash, you might disagree but from here, I prefer a chips, cheese with salt, vinegar, chilli and mayo - it sounds bizzare but it's a better and cheaper offering than the doner at this juncture.

Verdict: 6/10

Regular Lamb Doner Wrap, Original Best Turkish Kebab House.

Offering: Regular Doner Wrap

Establishment: Original Best Turkish Kebab House, Edinburgh

Date and time: 29th October 2016, 01:00

Price: £5.50

Seating: Yes, very limited
 
The Original Best Turkish Kebab House has stood in it's existing form for around two years or so, it was once a joint venture with the owners of The Best Kebab House, however a disagreement resulted in management going their separate ways and today they are divided only by a pub* and presumably a loyal clientele. These aren't the only "best kebab" establishments in the North and North East Edinburgh area as in Abbeyhill, the Kurdish Best Kebab House has also been sighted.

Now, to the kebab itself, with a vegetable textured chilli sauce that burns without its yoghurt friend, this chilli sauce will normally only be there if you specifically request it. It is amongst the best chilli sauces I've ever tried with doner. This lady in red will gently kiss your tongue upon first touch with an immediately subtle yet full flavour, the further up your tongue she travels though, be prepared for it's burn.

The other accompanying chilli sauce is a milder, sweeter affair, it has a smooth consistency, much more common but by no means poor.

...it is amongst the best chilli sauces I've ever tried with doner. This lady in red will gently kiss your tongue upon first touch with an immediately subtle yet full flavour...

The bread is identical to a Mexican burrito wrap, an alternative to the rougher Arabic Khubz bread you might see more often in lesser establishments (but that is by no means an indictment on such places, rather a mere pattern).

The volume of the kebab itself is slightly smaller than it could be, with that in mind, the owners would do well to provide at this price-point - it could leave an enthusiast craving.

The salad was basic traditional with no surprises (lettuce, onions, tomatoes).

The meat was, I'm told, 100% organic lamb. It tastes good too, the texture is slightly rubbery and maybe drier than average at first kiss but the further she travels, the more you realise you are not eating a bulked out product - you're eating a true, rich lamb contender.

Verdict: 7/10 

*Updated images from Google maps inconveniently shows a bus covering views of both establishments, therefore the image linked is from 2012.

Doner; Reclaiming Our Heritage From The Elite.

Around 40 years ago, if you wanted to eat a quick healthy meal after a hard days graft, you only had the choice of the local chip shop establishment at best, or if you were particularly poor, a packet of Golden Wonder would have to suffice. That was until a new exotic food from the continent started appearing on side streets and main thoroughfares; Scotland, the UK and the rest of the world had changed forever.

It was around this time that analysts noted the stark contrasts in the British socio-political landscape, such striking differences that still reverberate to this day. Indeed it would be the late 1970's when Margaret Thatcher would be appointed Prime Minister and the first notes of punk-rock had been playing in underground nightclubs in what seemed like urban wastelands, shattering all preconceived notions of what popular music could be.

Some 15 Years earlier, the Americans relentlessly raced the Russians to the moon and when Neil Armstrong symbolically first step foot on the reflective surface of that world, he was underwhelmed that he didn't find what he was looking for.

For thousands of years, books had been written; schools of thought had formed; entire civilisations had emerged, perished and re-emerged. The greatest thinkers of all time were about to be humbled: Stephen Hawking, Albert Einstein, Zlatan. A momentous occasion was upon us!

Soon the day would come. Soon the day would come when a meal so delightful in it's presentation, so exquisite in its posture. So ergonomically advanced and ahead of it's time, boasting a mere 1100 calories...  Soon the day would dawn.

What Armstrong was looking for had been happening for centuries in the Middle East. I have no idea why he went to the moon. Neither did he.

Like the Whirling Dervish, the food known to rotate on a spit was almost upon us - it's rough textured slithers of only the choicest quality, cut to perfection by the only the most qualified artisan, complete with chef's hat, charming apron, preferably a thick moustache and non-native English speaking accent.

...overnight, those who had once been so powerful, saw themselves slip off the radar as each sharpened knife tore into grilled minced lamb; the regiments began revolting, the army as a unified single force tore through the establishment...

One incredibly fateful day, it was as if the birth of a new nation had taken place. A people united only by a shared desire of what culinary perfection could be. An unstoppable desire, a zeitgeist unlike any before it, a true moment of wonder was upon us!


As the slithers of delightful joy tumbled on the pitta, dancing on the bread like heavens children or the notes of a harp, a moment previously unimaginable had just taken place. When it rained a mysterious red along with the greenery one would only have seen in exotic gardens, topped up and presented to our subjects, the looks of amazement and euphoria were unquestionable.

Neil Armstrong finally found what he was looking for.

Golden Wonder would one day catch up, but it was too late. For by then the providential impact of the Turkish community on Scotland and the UK could never be reversed. The edible champion had successfully orchestrated what would go on to be considered one of the biggest, most relentless coup d'etats of all time.

There were suggestions...campaigns; demonstrations even!! This is where true power lies. This magnificent foodstuff must replace the face of the Queen on British currency. It was as if overnight, those who had once been so powerful, saw themselves slip off the radar as each sharpened knife tore into grilled minced lamb; the regiments began revolting, the army as a unified single force tore through the establishment like...well, like the artisan chef himself.

The Doner Kebab had finally arrived in the UK.