Doner Kebab, Bobby's Café, Edinburgh

Offering: Doner Kebab

Establishment: Bobby's Café, Edinburgh

Date and time: 9th of January 2017, 17:32

Price: £5.50

Seating: Over 20 chairs


During the heat of the Fringe last year, a mysterious man would sit on a tall seat outside Greyfriars Bobby's Bar and just a stones throw away from Pizza Paradise. He was holding a sign, directing people towards the small downhill street called Candlemaker Row. It was there, almost adjacent to yet strangely below the greenery of Pizza Paradise a new establishment had graced our historic streets: Bobby's Cafe had just been realised. Named after a story about a dog that enjoyed taking a routine dump at the same poor bastards grave; there are many nearby establishments cashing in on this complete shit-show of a yarn but the newer these establishments are, the less forgiving I feel towards them. Nevertheless, after trying a pretty average pizza there around September, I returned early this year to sample what would prove to be a surprisingly decent affair - their doner kebab! 

A swift but close inspection of their display revealed a peculiar familiarity; I asked the small, thin Arabic fellow if this establishment was run by the chaps responsible for Yum Yums -  to which the teenager from the back of the seating area replied that the supplier for Yum Yums was the same as Bobby's. I was disappointed. You see, Yum Yums is great - the ingredients are fresh, the displays are pretty, the soup is great, the kofte kebabs, the chicken  and so on are excellent! Even the prices are really, really good - the problem though is that their doner is really quite bland. I turned to the teenager once more, his concern visible as I looked into his eyes, distraught - 'what about the doner?' I asked, to which he replied, that the doner was different as the type Bobby's had was stored in a container and not rotated on a spit with the gas turned up - i.e, the traditional way. My relief was probably visible but I was still unconvinced - you see, the great Lazeez also appear to not have a doner on rotational display but their doner is dynamite - what would I make of Bobbys?

I witnessed the kebab in creation; a pitta bread was placed inside the oven and what looked like a 10-inch pizza tray full of cold doner meat accompanying it. After a few minutes, the chef asked what sort of salad I would like - this was really the kind of variety any babbery should at least offer their patrons - shredded lettuce, red cabbage, sparse thinly cut bell peppers, jalapeños and tomatoes. There was a glaring absence of onions though, this is a vital mistake as no babbery should violate such a basic law of kebab salad but it was just about made up for with the variety in the salad.

When the small box was handed to me, I was also a little bit concerned that the size was going to be insufficient - they don't serve a range of sizes, just the standard size. At £5.50, this was averagely priced and comparable with many of the babberies in the area. As I sat down on the understated and slightly grubby eating area, I noticed what a clean looking kebab experience I was about to have - all the contents of the kebab and the way it was stuffed reminded me of Topkapi - the structural integrity of the doner was sound. Additionally, it would appear that there was a greater meaty content in this kebab than the Topkapi one and 150p was saved in the process.

...a pitta bread was placed inside the oven and what looked like a 10-inch pizza tray full of cold doner meat accompanying it.

All looked well as I wired in, I sampled the chilli - its meagre lashings felt lacking. The garlic sauce, it's thickness unquestionable and it's strength understated like the many before it. There was nothing overwhelming about this doner but I was feeling its presence was comforting indeed. I sampled the meat and it was far superior to Yum Yums doner, even better than Cappadocia. An interesting feature of it was it's slights chars at the end - this added a pleasant crispiness to it's texture. In some places, whenever I have experienced this it has been overdone - dry after being reheated on a charcoal grill, often a complete and utter disappointment but here it is a masterclass - think of it as adding small nachos dispersed within the kebab, a very rare experience and all the more richer for it. I was also assured that the meat of the matter was indeed lamb. It probably was quite processed considering their methodology, however it tasted relatively pure.

As I polished off those final morsels, I was pleasantly surprised how my trip to this establishment ended up. Yes, Bobby was not top of the league, heck Bobby was barely contending for a spot in Europe but think Leicester City 2017 rather than 2016 - they know their place and they're happy enough to occupy it and so are their clientele, probably.

Verdict: 7/10

Super Donner, Madras Cottage, Edinburgh

Offering: Super Donner

Establishment: Madras Cottage, Edinburgh

Date and time: 24th December 2016, 19:27

Price: £4.80

Seating: N/A (collected and having never entered the new premises)

There are two types of people in this world: those that like their doner by the size and those that like their doner by quality. I as I'm sure you're aware fall into the latter group - I do value size but I think its important to value price and quality a little bit over size. My father though, he's a man that like the get 'bang for his buck' so to speak. As a result, for years he has enjoyed a gigantic doner kebab from the infamous Madras Cottage. Some years ago, the Cottage used to be situated by the Marionville roundabout and was heavily frequented by my father and I. It has since moved to Piershill after a dispute with the owners of the premises regarding rent left the Cottagers seeking pastures a-new. Despite this move, the quality of their offerings has remained consistent, this standard has remained the same. As always, this review will aim to explore that standard.

In most places, when you ask for the large doner, you very rarely get handed a 10 inch pizza box stuffed full of a gigantic double-sized naan bread, dark wide slithers of doner meat packed to capacity and enough chilli sauce to seep through the cardboard box. What more, if you did receive such a delectable feast, you would expect it to cost north of £10, not south of five. In Madras Cottage you get all of these things. I am sensing your reaction and it's either one of two - you're wondering when this heavenly sounding place opens so you can buy 2 and freeze one for later or, and in my mind more importantly, you are asking yourself what the catch is. This review aims to cater for both of these thought processes.

Once you place the box down on the table and rip the sellotape off and lift that pizza box open, you are greeted with what looks like a large sandwich - once you lift the top half of the bread and witness the sheer volume of content you tend to feel overwhelmed. Upon closer inspection, you do notice quite a large amount of white cabbage in the salad and not only it is really chunky, it's fairly hard too. In fact, the white cabbage is pretty much what make up the vast bulk of the accompanying salad - there is almost no lettuce and even less onions - this salad is a disaster - there are no tomatoes, no jalapenos, no peppers, no carrots and barely even cucumbers (the Eamon Holmes of the salad world) - there was no chance of any coriander or even a zingy little dressing. What's that you say? OK, I gather that it was £4.80 and a week's feast for some people.

 

. . . around two and a half times the size of the Kebab Mahal offering - just to put things into perspective for you.

The chilli sauce is more a sweet sauce, it has no bite at all really and seems seriously overloaded with sugar. There is no salad sauce. I've never had a kebab with salad sauce from the Madras Cottage, they clearly don't serve a salad sauce. Yes, I heard you - 4.80! I know, at this rate I should just buy my own sauces and salad from a better kebab shop and disperse it over the contents of this creation; it'll still cost less than a coffee and a slice of cake.

And this is the part you have probably all been waiting for, the meat of this kebab tastes like it's a mixture of lamb and one or two other things. It does taste heavily processed though but I do suspect that there is some mutton content and maybe even some beef and/or turkey content too. If you see above, the menu also fails to explain what exactly this meat is made of, preferring to describe itself simply as "donner". It tastes pretty decent considering its ambiguity. It doesn't taste all that distinctive though, pretty boringly seasoned and a bit on the bland side, it is however a very salty tasting kebab - I imagine it contains way more than the recomended daily salt intake for the average person. It is because of meat like this though that all those world weary, health conscious, perspicacious types are critical of our beloved babs - you know the type; the kind of person that ridicules you for your doner offering whilst taking a bite of their rank looking sausage!

The naan bread is pretty decent, incredibly large, though maybe a little too small for an even distribution of its delightful toppings but it is £4.80. It's a thick naan too, not really much like the naan from Kebab Mahal. This kebab is also around two and a half times the size of the Kebab Mahal offering - just to put things into perspective for you.

This kebab could easily be shared between 2-3 people and if you buy it and consume it all yourself then I salute you. I will also call A & E. Because this kebab was collected by my father, I was not in a position to ask if they made the chilli sauce themselves and similarly, I was in no position to see if there was any seating area in the premises.

I will give you my verdict: the kebab is £4.80. At this price, you really can't go too far wrong as someone is bound to be impressed by the sheer magnitude of this monsterously sized doner! With this in mind, I am going to award it an above average score, however, if you are like my father and value quantity over quality, I reccomend you add four marks (Marx?) to my verdict. Either way, everyone should try this kebab - take it as a gift; bring it to your Bar Mitzvahs; take it instead of grapes to the hospital or why not bribe the police?

Verdict: 6/10

Kebab Mahal, Edinburgh

Offering: Naan King Doner

Establishment: Kebab Mahal, Edinburgh

Date and time: 31st December 2016, 15:02

Price: £5.99

Seating: Around 20 seats and 6 tables, often a waiting time.


Like Lazeez, Kebab Mahal is one of those places that has been around for decades, it looks basic from the outside and but you can tell how well loved it is by the hustle and bustle of the passing and repeat custom it receives. Often, people who enter the doors know the owner by name and this is usually a good indication that if the place was not here, it would be sorely missed. Also like Lazeez, the interior of this place is so understated that many people would never give it a second thought or would be put off by the lack of sophistication - those people probably eat entire pizzas with a knife and fork. The awards on display at the far wall are a telling sign; this place spends it's money on the food rather the decor.

I had to stop coming here for a while. Not because I wasn't a fan of the food - au contraire; the owner and his son knew exactly what I wanted every time I walked through that old-fashioned door: the Naan King Doner (that's what I like to call it, it really rolls off the tongue). I felt slight embarrassment that I had become so predictable and that I had been coming so frequently, I decided I would not have a doner from Kebab Mahal for a good six or so months. On the tail end of the year, I returned only to be greeted by the bearded owner with my order known in advance and told to me before I had uttered a word, almost as if the owner was looking at a clock and spoke the time - I couldn't escape it - they knew everything; the extra chilli, the extra onions, the slight splash of yogurt sauce! It would take much longer than only six months before they would ever forget my order. I really don't know whether this would be impressive if I was to attend to a kebab with company; would my friends be impressed? more than likely, they would joke that I was too deeply entrenched in the doner underworld and that there was now no turning back.

As I sat down on one of the round tables, I asked the garcon for his finest, most delectable of table waters to which he assisted in large jug accompanied by a small glass tumbler. The service was, as usual quite speedy, the fresh naan arrived with a chunky topping of doner meat and a sparse yet simple salad consisting of all the usual suspects but with an added yet often overlooked compadre - white cabbage.  Often enough, red cabbage is the desired accompaniment of the cabbage family, however in this particular establishment white cabbage seems to be considered amongst the penultimate items that deliver a higher state of doner consciousness. I don't completely disagree. I do however prefer red cabbage. Red cabbage feels like it can be overloaded in a kebab and it would not usually ruin it however, I've found that when the same happens with its white counterpart, it can feel far too crowded a kebab and must be shredded to thinner pieces. Another seriously enjoyable aspect of the red cabbage is the fact that it often comes soaked in a pickle vinegary liquid, similar to the jalapenos juice - a very desirable liquid indeed but this liquid, this liquid is not here as we have fresh white cabbage. Instead, the entire salad is soaked in a zingy lemon dressing, it really brings a captivating succulence to the entire experience.

...when the chilli sauces are having their way for you, make room for the captivating yogurt supremo!

The lady in red, lumpy and thick with it's chunks and probably slightly dry when compared to its sistren sauces; it contains a burn comparable to that of Original Best Kebab House.  There is a sister in red too; a sweeter, runnier affair. Whist the lady is quite an intense vinegar heavy condiment, the sister is way less dominant and lets her sibling take over as the main attraction.

And when it all becomes too much, when the chilli sauces are having their way for you, make room for the captivating yogurt supremo! Your stimulated taste buds will be cooled by it's creamy, runny coriander touch.

The doner meat has been cut medium to thin, think about as thick as Marmaris but not as wide cuts. This meat also extremely heavy, settles in your stomach like the meat of a burger and I'm certain that it is entirely beef, this is also ensured by the texture that tastes much more dense rather than the floatier, lighter taste of lamb. The meat has been seasoned to a medium spiciness but with the added density of the beef, the spiciness appears to be amplified.

The naan bread was fresh, warm and thick. It had all the delightful air bubbles that give it a wispy, soft texture. A grand companion to it's splendid content.

As I finish polishing off this fine feast, I look to the wall to my right and tell myself the same thing I do every time I come here after looking at the numerous awards indicated: I must one day get a curry here and one day I will but until the very charming owner forgets my order upon entry, I feel I really can't challenge the man.

Verdict: 8/10

Medium Lamb Doner Kebab, Turkish Carry Out, Edinburgh

Offering: Medium Doner Kebab

Establishment: Turkish Carry Out, Easter Road, Edinburgh

Date and time: 3rd December 2016 16:32

Price: £5.50

Seating: 4 chairs, 2 tables

For quite some considerable time, in around 2008 I turned a bad habit into an absurd hobby - to grab a pizza or kebab shortly after midnight. You see, times were tough - I wasn't working full time and had very few active interests at that point in my life. I was however interested in daily doner from the Turkish Carry Out, it was a long enough walk away for me to feel as though I'd done something productive with my evening but God knows, I was just fooling myself - the kebab wasn't all that. After one too many disappointing kebabs, I turned my back never to return. I was especially put off by a huge amount of charred doner meat I found in my kebab, this piece consisted of around 40% of the actual meat portion in the kebab; I was disappointed and said my goodbyes.

When I returned after seven or so years, I noticed that times had changed; the establishment was now twice the size, they had bought up the premises next door and knocked down various walls, they now served an array of fried foods, foods associated with chip shops, deep fried and displayed in a glass metal counter - aka: heart attack food!

To the left, the familiar man, thin metal glasses, dark, clean shaven, quite short and neutral expression; the type of man that had carved doner for most of his adult life. He was silent. He knew I had returned but he never let on. After ordering my large doner kebab, I sat at the table by the window and admired the spicy onions - I could smell the mint from their sauce and I thought how I never remembered this accompaniment all those years ago - such a delightful touch, the kind no kebab should be without. That was my thinking before I tucked into this devilish delight.

I was also in awe of the size of the box. I always think that when the box is this big, the kebab has to be big enough too as no self-respecting babbery would allow their kebab to be dwarfed by a large box - why would you? So that every customer feels robbed? It just wouldn't make sense.

I lifted the fork and and pressed it deep into the ridges of the thin lamb shavings before me. The lamb was tough, it had developed a slight dryness as it had been rotating for so long without being cut, it wasn't too bad though - it did have a very pronounced peppery taste. I thought how this was something I could get used to.

The slithers were so thin, they made the contents of the pita seem deceptive.

This was something that I missed. As I carried on de-mystifying this doner, I started to sample the salad, starting with those beautiful looking onions, I lifted them to my mouth and was overwhelmed with the mint in a sweet red sauce - what is this? I expected a hot, chilli spicy sauce with minty overtones, not a sweet minty one! It was around this time that the dream took a sharp twist. I again looked at the doner meat, I scrambled some on a fork and it was peppery. Overwhelmingly peppery. The slithers were so thin, they made the contents of the pita seem deceptive. There wasn't much in there at all, it was all being bulked up by thinly structured doner meat. I thought, what the hell, get some of that sauce on there - the chilli sauce tasted of very little - it was extremely mild, again it looked great but this kebab was the equivalent of staring at the cake displays of Patisserie Valerie. It looked incredible but the more I eat, just like the ubiquitous cake shop, the more the illusion was shattered.

Amazed at the large chilli peppers that accompanied this dish, I shovelled all the salad into the deceptive pita - I thought this would would the true judge of it's character, this moment, the moment of truth - the lift. I took one great big bite for mankind, my face covered in the white of the garlic dressing. I was immediately disappointed. I was overwhelmed with bread - the doner meat itself was far too thin to have made any impact and it lead to the complete absence of satisfaction. I did taste the mint from those spicy onions, the big peppers that accompanied this kebab, the mildly peppery sauce but there was no depth. The bread, whilst soft was also soggy steamed up - this was not a great combination but would not have annoyed me too much had it not been for how thin and deceptive the whole experience was. I'm not sure I would return any time soon - this looks like it's for the pub-goers next door and not your average kebab connoisseur.

Verdict: 5/10

Large Doner Kebab, Marmaris, Edinburgh

Offering: Large Doner Kebab

Establishment: Marmaris Kebab House (South Clerk St.), Edinburgh

Date and time: 21st November 2016, 19:34

Price: £7.50

Seating: Over 20 simple seats

There comes a time when when despite how good the food of an establishment is, if the service received is so underwhelming, it automatically has an effect on how you perceive their doner. If you go somewhere and find that they have very little value for the customer and appear to consider the customer to be a nuisance to their day-to-day lives, you may ask yourself 'Well, how good is the doner there anyway? is it really worth having to face staff members that consider you beneath them?' - this is my experience of Marmaris Kebab House.

I don't want you to be alarmed. It's not like every person behind the counter in Marmaris threatens you with a kebab skewer as soon as you greet them but there are definitely a few issues with the attitude of the staff and they need addressing if they want to reverse the bad feeling against them. If you don't believe me, just take a look at the Trip Advisor comments where you will find various users accusing the staff of discrimination to outright violence. I no longer wish to go into too much detail about the staff as whilst my experience of them has been unsatisfactory, I have thankfully never experienced any violence.

An especially great aspect of their kebabs is the presentation. Looking at the photo above, I feel that their plate set up and accompanying sauce bowls are truly a thing of beauty. It's not always that you can say that about lamb doner either; many people I've known are turned off by the fact that the average doner kebab is hardly a feast to their inexperienced anti-kebabist eyes. It could also be argued though that those people are snobs and barely qualify as people and that they should not be allowed to vote.

The experience of pouring your sauce on the thin curved lamb slithers also adds a ceremonial sense to this occasion. The salad is very appealingly cut, in nice small pieces and all the usual suspects are present, they seem to have been lightly dressed in a lemon juice and combined with finely chopped coriander. Oh, what's this? fried potato sticks, of a previously frozen nature? Why not? I never expected to see you rear your respectable head in this neck of the woods. All this would be a masterclass in doner accompaniments had it nor been for the fact that it's just too much gimmicks and not enough doner! Taking a look at the photos and you find that salad and chips take up around two thirds to a half of the actual plate - I never asked for this!

I just wanted a large doner kebab, a nice big portion of meat, stuffed in pita bread with salad and sauce. What I got was a bleak look into the motivations of stingy kebab seller.

The chips are nothing special, they seem to just take up space and if they weren't there, they would not be sorely missed...

You can really tell the plentiful vegetable content of the chilli sauce when you begin to pour and see it land on the meat as it begins to separate into the smaller curvatures of the doner. There are also bottles of tangy salad sauce at every table in this establishment and if you're a bit strange, you can add some vinegar and so forth. Whilst the sauce adds a decent level of moistness to the meat, there isn't really a great deal of flavour - there is a tang but there is not much else at all, quite disappointing.

The chips are nothing special, they seem to just take up space and if they weren't there, they would not be sorely missed - fewer chips and more meat would be a step in the right direction. I'm not so sure I like having to fill the pita bread up with the doner and salad either, it seems like quite a task when presented like this, it will inevitably lead to a smaller filled kebab too as you will likely worry about getting it's contents on you and you will probably play it safe, just like I did - eating the rest of the meat without it's bread companion is not as satisfying.

The doner meat is good, its well seasoned and the quality can be compared to Topkapi but it still falls short of their standard. I will say though, the seasoning of the Marmaris meat is far better than Topkapi.

For all its pomp, for all it's grandiose presentation and it's plentiful seats, it's early opening hours and it's weekday lunchtime special prices, the Marmaris doner falls short for it suffers from stingy portions and sub-par sauce. To add insult to injury, I was charged more than I expected - Marmaris do not charge you the fee shown on their menu board if you choose to sit in. They don't clarify this on their menu board either; you can't help but feel a little bit stung by their staff members upon the sit-in visit. For this quantity and quality, it just isn't worth it.

Verdict: 6/10