Medium Lamb Doner Kebab, Turkish Carry Out, Edinburgh

Offering: Medium Doner Kebab

Establishment: Turkish Carry Out, Easter Road, Edinburgh

Date and time: 3rd December 2016 16:32

Price: £5.50

Seating: 4 chairs, 2 tables

For quite some considerable time, in around 2008 I turned a bad habit into an absurd hobby - to grab a pizza or kebab shortly after midnight. You see, times were tough - I wasn't working full time and had very few active interests at that point in my life. I was however interested in daily doner from the Turkish Carry Out, it was a long enough walk away for me to feel as though I'd done something productive with my evening but God knows, I was just fooling myself - the kebab wasn't all that. After one too many disappointing kebabs, I turned my back never to return. I was especially put off by a huge amount of charred doner meat I found in my kebab, this piece consisted of around 40% of the actual meat portion in the kebab; I was disappointed and said my goodbyes.

When I returned after seven or so years, I noticed that times had changed; the establishment was now twice the size, they had bought up the premises next door and knocked down various walls, they now served an array of fried foods, foods associated with chip shops, deep fried and displayed in a glass metal counter - aka: heart attack food!

To the left, the familiar man, thin metal glasses, dark, clean shaven, quite short and neutral expression; the type of man that had carved doner for most of his adult life. He was silent. He knew I had returned but he never let on. After ordering my large doner kebab, I sat at the table by the window and admired the spicy onions - I could smell the mint from their sauce and I thought how I never remembered this accompaniment all those years ago - such a delightful touch, the kind no kebab should be without. That was my thinking before I tucked into this devilish delight.

I was also in awe of the size of the box. I always think that when the box is this big, the kebab has to be big enough too as no self-respecting babbery would allow their kebab to be dwarfed by a large box - why would you? So that every customer feels robbed? It just wouldn't make sense.

I lifted the fork and and pressed it deep into the ridges of the thin lamb shavings before me. The lamb was tough, it had developed a slight dryness as it had been rotating for so long without being cut, it wasn't too bad though - it did have a very pronounced peppery taste. I thought how this was something I could get used to.

The slithers were so thin, they made the contents of the pita seem deceptive.

This was something that I missed. As I carried on de-mystifying this doner, I started to sample the salad, starting with those beautiful looking onions, I lifted them to my mouth and was overwhelmed with the mint in a sweet red sauce - what is this? I expected a hot, chilli spicy sauce with minty overtones, not a sweet minty one! It was around this time that the dream took a sharp twist. I again looked at the doner meat, I scrambled some on a fork and it was peppery. Overwhelmingly peppery. The slithers were so thin, they made the contents of the pita seem deceptive. There wasn't much in there at all, it was all being bulked up by thinly structured doner meat. I thought, what the hell, get some of that sauce on there - the chilli sauce tasted of very little - it was extremely mild, again it looked great but this kebab was the equivalent of staring at the cake displays of Patisserie Valerie. It looked incredible but the more I eat, just like the ubiquitous cake shop, the more the illusion was shattered.

Amazed at the large chilli peppers that accompanied this dish, I shovelled all the salad into the deceptive pita - I thought this would would the true judge of it's character, this moment, the moment of truth - the lift. I took one great big bite for mankind, my face covered in the white of the garlic dressing. I was immediately disappointed. I was overwhelmed with bread - the doner meat itself was far too thin to have made any impact and it lead to the complete absence of satisfaction. I did taste the mint from those spicy onions, the big peppers that accompanied this kebab, the mildly peppery sauce but there was no depth. The bread, whilst soft was also soggy steamed up - this was not a great combination but would not have annoyed me too much had it not been for how thin and deceptive the whole experience was. I'm not sure I would return any time soon - this looks like it's for the pub-goers next door and not your average kebab connoisseur.

Verdict: 5/10