An offer worth pondering...

If like me, your interest in doner kebabs and all of its various interpretations is of paramount interest and if you are in or around Edinburgh City Centre, perhaps with a friend, the following promotion may be of interest to you:

The image is from Pizza Paradise (George IV Bridge). This is, in my opinion a pretty respectable though not incredible kebab establishment. It also means that you can have a kebab for breakfast, lunch and dinner, on the cheap - this is can only be a good thing. I recommend you all try this at least thrice and I look forward to hearing about your ridiculous doner frolics in the near future.

Large Doner Kebab, Cafe Piccante (London Road), Edinburgh

Offering: Large Doner Kebab

Establishment: Café Piccante, London Road, Edinburgh

Date and time: 17th December 2016 23:29

Price: £7.50

Seating: 3 chairs, 1 window length table

In the East of the city, towards the London Road area, there is a wealth of kebaberies to choose from. One particularly well known feast for the eyes is the legendary operation known as Cafe Piccante. This eatery made its name by being the first kebab zone to offer a chocolate pizza, a live DJ complete with bab-orientated set list and a mean looking bouncer that's ready to eject any of the underfed jakey's that can't handle digesting the chilli sauce. Of course, this Cafe Piccante is the one situated in Broughton Street - next to the hustle and bustle of the Capital's gay-friendly nightspots.

The London Road branch is sobering in comparison. With the DJ long hung, the bouncer (almost) not required and pizza's strictly savoury - other than that, the London Road Cafe Piccante offers an identical product to its more popular big brother. Operating from the former style-over-substance racket that was Picasso; Piccante doesn't really add much to the competing (and somewhat strictly average) babberies of this part of town.

The first thing worth noting is that there Piccante certainly want you to taste the spice and they do this by adding a few sliced jalapenos as part of their salad offering. This is a nice touch and I feel as though all doners should come with this enticing yet mild pepper (or at least something similar). It is the perfect accompaniment to any kebab, even if you like your kebabs creamy rather than spicy as they offer a succulent crunch as part of the overall experience.

...stop making your chilli sauces too sweet - they are called 'chilli' for a reason...

The cuts of the tomato are exactly how tomatoes should be cut for a kebab: quarter pieces to assist with the grandiloquent lift of the pita sandwich. Unfortunately, many eateries continue to insist that tomatoes must be sliced and stuffed into the pita, with no thought as to how a poor connoisseur must ravish such an already deconstructed sorry looking kebab. As a whole though, the salad is well thought out and is generally near the standard of how a doner salad should be, perhaps only lacking any red cabbage.

Sadly, with this kebab, its all downhill from here - the chilli sauce is sweet and adds little to nothing to this bab-nasty exercise. Calling all kebab shops - stop making your chilli sauces too sweet - they are called 'chilli' for a reason. They are not called sweet sauces. Emphasis should be given to creating a sauce that has bite, not a sauce that has sugar.

There's a slightly odd feature of the kebab that may interest some of you and it was also a feature of Turkish Carry Out kebabs too; the box is compartmentalised. If you don't like your kebabs and salads to touch then you might be in luck - for the rest of you though, I fear you may never live this down as it clearly is a slight.

The doner meat is grim and tastes like ultra processed soya morsels; it gives the whole kebab a non-distinct peppered taste with very little else to show for itself. There is no real meaty texture and it quickly becomes apparent that none of this meats imbalanced combination of ingredients concludes in a memorable meal. It feels a lot like this establishment really don't care about what they are selling when it comes to doner and care only for the people that are going to be too drunk to be discerening enough to conclude that this kebab was essentially uninspired. Like far too many places, this establishment is well placed and just outside of zone one to qualify for the prestigious 3PM opening hours, it almost certainly catches the dregs of the late night revellers that were far too pre-occupied to go to a decent kebab place when they came out of whatever hole they danced in. If you are such a person, may I recommend one of their many un-donered pizzas.

Verdict: 5/10

Large Doner Kebab, Uncle's, Edinburgh

Offering: Large Doner Kebab

Establishment: Uncle's Fish and Chips, George IV Bridge, Edinburgh

Date and time:  8th February 2017, 12:25

Price: £7.50 w/discount

Seating: 20+ comfy and spacious seats, café set up

I've been scoping this area for a number of years now and during the first few months, Uncle's Fish and Chips took over an additional unit next door and created a vast café space for itself, complete with comfy, bar-style seating. The presentation of this establishment is A+ - the pinnacle surroundings where a doner should be devoured. The problems though soon begin to show and they are not just salad deep...

Firstly, there was an odd situation communicating with the staff and trying to ascertain the suitable discount - the prices on display were for a 'shewarma wrap' but I asked for a doner kebab and was told it was more expensive than the shewarma which was priced at a respectable £5.80. In the end, with added local discount, I was a charged what seemed like a mammoth £7.50. If you ever decide to visit Marmaris during lunch hours for sitting in, you will be charged £6 - and the quantity of food served is easily a third greater. I was really shocked at the size of the kebab I received when it was placed in front of me - the main plate in Marmaris is easily the same size as the plate above but Uncle's is barely full, Marmaris almost entirely fills the plate and serves the pita bread separately! 

Having to suffer what seemed like a ridiculous fifteen minute wait and whilst there were people getting their take-aways, I was the sole person in the café area. This was easily the longest I have ever had to wait for a doner kebab.

...the yogurt sauce was thick and creamy, a bit of a highlight in an otherwise grim affair. The chilli was seriously forgettable...

Another bone of contention was that previously, I sent a spy to this establishment to report back with findings - I was told of beautiful things but mainly that chips would be served with my kebab. Looking back, there were no chips. They would have been warmly welcomed on such a naked plate too, particularly after the £7.50 anal expansion that I suffered as a result of sampling this 'fun-sized' mistake.

The meat was cut super thin and it felt very much like it was cut so thin on purpose so to give the impression that the kebab was bigger than it was but this kebab probably had the meat quantity of the legendary Lazeez (possibly even less), bearing in mind that they charge £4.95 and you can still plonk yer arse down on one of their many uncomfortable seats. Another thing worth noting is that the image shows absolutely zero meat actually inside the pita bread - all the meat you see is all you get and cut so thin like wood shavings, this is easily the stingiest doner I've ever had. The meat quality was reasonable though, in fact pretty decent, it was considerably better than your standard fare.

The sauces were fairly average, the yogurt sauce was thick and creamy, a bit of a highlight in an otherwise grim affair. The chilli was seriously forgettable. Other than the texture, the flavour and heat level was lacking and dull. Another interesting note was that I had to specifically ask for the chilli sauce; I only received the yogurt sauce initially and this was certainly a first as everyone and their Nan(n) knows that you would always get offered the chilli sauce over anything else when kebabbin' hard.

Whilst this kebab is photogenic, central and served in possibly the nicest environment in which you can eat a doner kebab in Edinburgh, the content and price point doesn't allow me to recommend it to anyone. Without a discount, this kebab must cost a shade below £10 and that's just horrendous! If you ever do come to Uncles, don't come for a kebab, but lets face it, what else you are you going to order? This kebab was aw fur coat and nae knickers.

Verdict: 4/10

Bifteki House, Howard Street, Glasgow

Offering: Doner Kebab

Establishment: Bifteki House, Glasgow

Date and time:  14th March 2017, 13:26

Price: £4.80

Seating: 6 Seats, very small ledge table

In  the early spring of this year, the Doner Informer visited our beloved cousins in the west, the objective was plain and simple - sample the finest doner magic available in Scotland's so-called 

"friendliest city". Instead, we came across Bifteki - located a stones throw away from the handy Glasgow Central Station - I'm very much glad the city planners were visionary enough to build the railway so near the doner heartland.

On this landmark visit, I was accompanied by three colleagues who failed to appreciate the kind offerings by the very delightfully mannered Turkish chap running the operation and they abruptly left to visit some sort of overpriced burger bar with the suggestion that we would reconvene later.

The man behind the counter was a true joy, who knew that he was dealing with a man trained in the (sometimes) dark arts of doner critiquing and attempted (but failed) to bribe me with a small slithered sample of doner overtures before the main event! It was around then that I lectured the chap that my integrity could not be bought and sold. I was also suspecting that he had mercenaries following me, probably from as far away as Edinburgh. My fears were alleviated when the gentleman appeared confused yet unmoved by the vocal rejection of his bribe. It was around then that I realised that this chap was genuinely just trying to be friendly and offering a decent customer service.

...the chilli sauce was so sweet that it could have been diluted and sold as a chilli juice drink, so sickly was this sauce...

When the kebab arrived, I decided to take a seat on one of the uncomfortable high seats facing the wall at a small table - this wasn't the ideal environment but I was well aware that many of the finest doner institutions in Scotland don't even offer this privilege.

The kebab was presented with the accompanying plastic fork was dipped into the red, almost orange looking spicy sauce. It was sweet. In fact, the chilli sauce was so sweet that it could have been diluted and sold as a chilli juice drink, so sickly was this sauce. This was perhaps the sweetest sauce I'd ever sampled in a doner kebab and it was no good thing. I'm well aware that chilli sauces in kebabs should really not have a bitter taste to them, in order to maximise that chilli bite - its important that some sweetness must be used to give it that glorious bite we all know and love. One of the greatest errors that doner establishments make though (this is up there with making a sauce with no heat) is churning out a sauce that is not chilli at all but just sugar. If you were drinking a can of Irn Bru with this kebab, you would be giving yourself your allocated sugar serving as an adult for about a week. Not only this but this does not serve the kebab well at all.

There was no accompanying salad sauce, this establishment either doesn't serve it or it was finished when I visited. They did have a yoghurt sauce though but I declined on the basis that it would have attacked the spiciness that I intended (but failed) to taste in the chilli sauce.

The meat was really nothing to write home about (but here I am). It was seriously standard fare with very little distinctive features - you would be able to get this kebab from any city in the UK (perhaps minus the chilli diluting syrup).

Overall, Bifteki House is not a great kebab place - its an OK kebab place with very little to offer in a presumably competitive market in Glasgow. This operation, I suspect receives the crux of its custom from lesser discerning nearby construction workers and area drunks. The price point of this kebab is very good as the quantity was somewhat favourable, the product on offer though less so. I now look forward to the £2.50 doner kebab my father has been singing hymns about after his recently concluded Doner Tour of Scotland, sponsored by Homebase.

Verdict: 6/10