Bifteki House, Howard Street, Glasgow

Offering: Doner Kebab

Establishment: Bifteki House, Glasgow

Date and time:  14th March 2017, 13:26

Price: £4.80

Seating: 6 Seats, very small ledge table

In  the early spring of this year, the Doner Informer visited our beloved cousins in the west, the objective was plain and simple - sample the finest doner magic available in Scotland's so-called 

"friendliest city". Instead, we came across Bifteki - located a stones throw away from the handy Glasgow Central Station - I'm very much glad the city planners were visionary enough to build the railway so near the doner heartland.

On this landmark visit, I was accompanied by three colleagues who failed to appreciate the kind offerings by the very delightfully mannered Turkish chap running the operation and they abruptly left to visit some sort of overpriced burger bar with the suggestion that we would reconvene later.

The man behind the counter was a true joy, who knew that he was dealing with a man trained in the (sometimes) dark arts of doner critiquing and attempted (but failed) to bribe me with a small slithered sample of doner overtures before the main event! It was around then that I lectured the chap that my integrity could not be bought and sold. I was also suspecting that he had mercenaries following me, probably from as far away as Edinburgh. My fears were alleviated when the gentleman appeared confused yet unmoved by the vocal rejection of his bribe. It was around then that I realised that this chap was genuinely just trying to be friendly and offering a decent customer service.

...the chilli sauce was so sweet that it could have been diluted and sold as a chilli juice drink, so sickly was this sauce...

When the kebab arrived, I decided to take a seat on one of the uncomfortable high seats facing the wall at a small table - this wasn't the ideal environment but I was well aware that many of the finest doner institutions in Scotland don't even offer this privilege.

The kebab was presented with the accompanying plastic fork was dipped into the red, almost orange looking spicy sauce. It was sweet. In fact, the chilli sauce was so sweet that it could have been diluted and sold as a chilli juice drink, so sickly was this sauce. This was perhaps the sweetest sauce I'd ever sampled in a doner kebab and it was no good thing. I'm well aware that chilli sauces in kebabs should really not have a bitter taste to them, in order to maximise that chilli bite - its important that some sweetness must be used to give it that glorious bite we all know and love. One of the greatest errors that doner establishments make though (this is up there with making a sauce with no heat) is churning out a sauce that is not chilli at all but just sugar. If you were drinking a can of Irn Bru with this kebab, you would be giving yourself your allocated sugar serving as an adult for about a week. Not only this but this does not serve the kebab well at all.

There was no accompanying salad sauce, this establishment either doesn't serve it or it was finished when I visited. They did have a yoghurt sauce though but I declined on the basis that it would have attacked the spiciness that I intended (but failed) to taste in the chilli sauce.

The meat was really nothing to write home about (but here I am). It was seriously standard fare with very little distinctive features - you would be able to get this kebab from any city in the UK (perhaps minus the chilli diluting syrup).

Overall, Bifteki House is not a great kebab place - its an OK kebab place with very little to offer in a presumably competitive market in Glasgow. This operation, I suspect receives the crux of its custom from lesser discerning nearby construction workers and area drunks. The price point of this kebab is very good as the quantity was somewhat favourable, the product on offer though less so. I now look forward to the £2.50 doner kebab my father has been singing hymns about after his recently concluded Doner Tour of Scotland, sponsored by Homebase.

Verdict: 6/10

Large Doner Kebab, Topkapi, Edinburgh.

Offering: Large Doner Kebab

Establishment: Topkapi Kebab House, Edinburgh

Date and time: 19th November 2016, 23:15

Price: £7

Seating: Two seats, one table.


Since 1982, Topkapi Kebab House has served predominantly those living in the western area of the city with kebabs, pizzas and burgers. As per usual, this blog will attempt to decipher the intricacies and subtleties if the doner offering. One of the most notable things about Topkapi is that they offer a mixed kebab at the price of a mere £24. At that price, you could get a two course meal and drink at an average priced resteraunt or a holiday not very far, to price a takeaway kebab so highly, one must assume that the quality of this doner will be far superior to your average babbery. 

Noticing that Topkapi only serves one size of kebab, I was alarmed enough to have second thoughts when I noticed the chef grab a polystyrene box that would normally be associated with a smaller sized kebab. I was about to go next door to the former Samsun's and now City Kebab House when I managed to stop myself. I remembered some time ago, around a decade or so when I had a very tasty pizza from Topkapi - it was that promise that made me remain.

I asked the chef to provide all the cuttings, from a nice varied salad to the salad and chilli sauces - he kindly obliged. Whilst my kebab was being prepared, I turned to the left and noticed a poster declaring a Topkapi kebab as the "only kebab you can eat sober" - I found this slightly tasteless but this also added to the weight of expectation that Topkapi had imposed on herself. This kebab had to be high standard.

My first impressions were that the kebab if seriously small (what is this- My First Doner?) - for that price, it should be about a third bigger - yes, it's well packed and it is holding itself together but the fact remains, if Topkapi are charging £7 for a kebab that easily fits in a small container, a container probably more suited to a baked potato then you can't help but feel robbed.

The salad does include a supporter you rarely see, but whenever they do pop up, it's always a pleasure - red cabbage. I feel as though more kebab shops should give this purple companion the time of day - it really does add a tangy, zesty crunch to the whole experience, an ingredient worthy of any doner dish.

The sauces were both quite watery, however I did really like the tangy salad sauce. It's sister sauce, the chilli was very disappointing, it did have a sweetness to it but nothing resembling a burn.

The salad does include a supporter you rarely see, but whenever they do pop up, it's always a pleasure - red cabbage...

I was beginning to feel seriously disappointment in this kebab, it's sauces, the size and the price point were beginning to take it's toll on me, that was until I realised where the money actually went - the meat. The meat in this kebab was undeniably high quality, the kind of meat one would expect would have been a high quality cut with plenty of marbling. Make no mistake, this meat is some of the best quality you can get in a take-away in Edinburgh, but sadly, that's where it ends. The seasoning of the meat is not distinctive at all, it seems like they've treated the meat as a high quality steak whereby the only seasoning needed is salt and pepper and you let the cut do the talking, for me this is mediocre. If the accompanying sauces had more character, only then would such an approach be successful, unfortunately, that was not the case and the whole doner project really falls flat.

One of the more notable aspects of this doner wonder is that it's pita bread base holds together very well. At no point did it look as though it could not be contained and this is shown in the photo above, way better than anyone could put in words.

Whilst I was tucking into this doner, a drunken man covered in blood approached the counter asking about the mixed kebab, he promptly stumbled out after hearing the price. I felt as though the chef just said it was £24 to get rid of an awkward looking customer but upon greater inspection, the prices marked on the lit signs also signaled what was conveyed to the yob. He didn't even stick around after the chef suggested that he could offer a smaller one for £12 - almost double the price of mixed kebab in many other places around town.

Overall, tonight I felt that bleeding drunken man's pain. I realised why he left after hearing the prices. I'm sad to say, for tonight only, he maybe had greater intuition than I did. Or maybe not as he had clearly been on the losing end of a brutal beating.

Verdict: 5/10