Bifteki House, Howard Street, Glasgow

Offering: Doner Kebab

Establishment: Bifteki House, Glasgow

Date and time:  14th March 2017, 13:26

Price: £4.80

Seating: 6 Seats, very small ledge table

In  the early spring of this year, the Doner Informer visited our beloved cousins in the west, the objective was plain and simple - sample the finest doner magic available in Scotland's so-called 

"friendliest city". Instead, we came across Bifteki - located a stones throw away from the handy Glasgow Central Station - I'm very much glad the city planners were visionary enough to build the railway so near the doner heartland.

On this landmark visit, I was accompanied by three colleagues who failed to appreciate the kind offerings by the very delightfully mannered Turkish chap running the operation and they abruptly left to visit some sort of overpriced burger bar with the suggestion that we would reconvene later.

The man behind the counter was a true joy, who knew that he was dealing with a man trained in the (sometimes) dark arts of doner critiquing and attempted (but failed) to bribe me with a small slithered sample of doner overtures before the main event! It was around then that I lectured the chap that my integrity could not be bought and sold. I was also suspecting that he had mercenaries following me, probably from as far away as Edinburgh. My fears were alleviated when the gentleman appeared confused yet unmoved by the vocal rejection of his bribe. It was around then that I realised that this chap was genuinely just trying to be friendly and offering a decent customer service.

...the chilli sauce was so sweet that it could have been diluted and sold as a chilli juice drink, so sickly was this sauce...

When the kebab arrived, I decided to take a seat on one of the uncomfortable high seats facing the wall at a small table - this wasn't the ideal environment but I was well aware that many of the finest doner institutions in Scotland don't even offer this privilege.

The kebab was presented with the accompanying plastic fork was dipped into the red, almost orange looking spicy sauce. It was sweet. In fact, the chilli sauce was so sweet that it could have been diluted and sold as a chilli juice drink, so sickly was this sauce. This was perhaps the sweetest sauce I'd ever sampled in a doner kebab and it was no good thing. I'm well aware that chilli sauces in kebabs should really not have a bitter taste to them, in order to maximise that chilli bite - its important that some sweetness must be used to give it that glorious bite we all know and love. One of the greatest errors that doner establishments make though (this is up there with making a sauce with no heat) is churning out a sauce that is not chilli at all but just sugar. If you were drinking a can of Irn Bru with this kebab, you would be giving yourself your allocated sugar serving as an adult for about a week. Not only this but this does not serve the kebab well at all.

There was no accompanying salad sauce, this establishment either doesn't serve it or it was finished when I visited. They did have a yoghurt sauce though but I declined on the basis that it would have attacked the spiciness that I intended (but failed) to taste in the chilli sauce.

The meat was really nothing to write home about (but here I am). It was seriously standard fare with very little distinctive features - you would be able to get this kebab from any city in the UK (perhaps minus the chilli diluting syrup).

Overall, Bifteki House is not a great kebab place - its an OK kebab place with very little to offer in a presumably competitive market in Glasgow. This operation, I suspect receives the crux of its custom from lesser discerning nearby construction workers and area drunks. The price point of this kebab is very good as the quantity was somewhat favourable, the product on offer though less so. I now look forward to the £2.50 doner kebab my father has been singing hymns about after his recently concluded Doner Tour of Scotland, sponsored by Homebase.

Verdict: 6/10

Large Doner Kebab, Ali Baba Kebabs, Dalry Road

Offering: Large Doner Kebab

Establishment: Ali Baba Kebabs, Edinburgh

Date and time: 26th February 2017, 16:27

Price: £5.50

Seating: Around 7 seats and 2 tables


After the many accolades it received in the British Kebab Awards of 2017, I decided it was time to revisit Ali Baba Kebabs. That's right, this wasn't my first time walking through that wooden interior - I had been there a some years ago when I was working at nights in Corstorphine. It was around that time I also took my first trip to Lazeez, in fact, these visits were likely made days apart. My memory of the first trip was that the staff member - a Middle-Eastern man was incredibly friendly and personable. The Kebab at the time was pretty good but not exceptional but I ended up eating at Lazeez a lot more due to its general comparative quality.

Not much has changed in Ali Baba Kebabs; the quaint decor is still there, the Middle Eastern man still serves various food-stuffs from what seems like such a small takeaway but most of all, the quality on offer at this eatery is still fairly good too.When I asked for a large kebab, the sum of £5.50 seemed a little overboard for the container it was served in, however all fears were allayed when I opened the kebab sitting at it the seats of this joint. It was a sufficiently packed pita with all of the fine salad offerings one would come to expect from a doner. One thing I tend to avoid when going bab-deep is the insistence of cucumbers in a doner; they just don't add anything to the whole experience in my opinion. In a tuna sandwich, I would happily eat cucumbers but pretty much in any other circumstance, other than in raita sauces, cucumber just seems like a waste of time.

...that sauce tasted almost exactly like the chilli sauce you find in frozen doner kebabs...

First impressions of the chilli sauce is that it has a really smooth texture - not the thick, lumpy cut up vegetable textured stuff that usually signals the best of kebab chilli sauces. When I combined a cut of the meat with the salad, the first thing that hit me was the fact that sauce tasted almost exactly like the chilli sauce you find in frozen doner kebabs that you might get in Iceland - that's not too bad a thing though, in fact, I really liked and found it somewhat charming but I felt it was a tad sweet and not really that hot. There's also a nice tangy salad dressing, the typical creamy brown type that you might be accustomed to at times like these. The meat was really decent too - perhaps better than the likes of  Pasha but Pasha does seem to have a more consistent product in many ways. The meat tasted really satisfying though and there's something quite distinct about this kebab that you don't find in many kebabs in Edinburgh - I can't really put my finger on on it but suffice to say, once you have a doner here, it just scratches an itch that many other babs can't reach.

Upon the almighty lift, the pita bread holds up perfectly - it's really soft and doesn't have that toasty crisp that the Pasha pita bread had. The size of this kebab is also really good for the price; OK, it's no Madras  Cottage but when you consider that Topkapi are offering what is obviously a smaller product at £1.50 more, you find that this pretty good value. Perhaps the worst thing about Ali Baba is that Lazeez is around 5 minutes walk away and whilst it doesn't charge too much for its offering, the size difference is considerably noticeable - Ali Baba gives a far bigger bab but the kebab in Lazeez is tastier.

Are you visiting from a nearby town and hoping to pop on the train? That's where Ali Baba really shines. Picture yourself with ten minutes to go before your train is due, a mere stones throw away from Haymarket train station - you can run for a large kebab with all the trimmings and be a mere one minute late for the last train home, but it doesn't matter - you've got a large Ali Baba doner to keep you warm throughout the night and you can't get that at Waverly Station!

Verdict: 7/10

A Curious Set of Events

At around 15:00 on the 31st of January, I received an email from a Mr. 'Dude Plenty'. This email was sent in relation to this blog and I had never known a person using this name before in any facet of my life. The email seemed to be in relation to a comment left on the 'about us' section of the blog. A message was left anonymously requesting whether a poem could be submitted to this blog. I had yet to answer this as I had been busy consulting the subtleties, intricacies and depths of a doner kebab from Pizza Paradise (stay tuned for a review).

Some time passed by and I completely forgot about this comment until I received the email from the person above. What's more alarming is that there is no way of any person finding out my email address as I have not listed it anywhere in my blog. 

The content of the email was very mysterious and odd in nature. It was short and to the point and it contained an instruction that should be followed out that day. I was told that there was going to be a message left for me outside the Scottish Poetry Library. The email went on to say that the message would be placed around the entrance of the library and it would be ready for me by 17:15 that evening. I was confused. I was perplexed. I had never received an email like this before and I really didn't know what to make of it. My first instinct was to respond and ask who they were and what that message would be. What if I was in danger? Was the man from the Turkish Doner Inn finally going to reveal the ingredients of his minty spiced onions? Was I finally going to find out what the mystery meat from Madras Cottage was?

By the time that I had noticed that I had received this email, it was already 16:00 and I would be tied up at work until 17:00. I work quite near the centre of town but I had my reservations. I decided that I would reply to this odd email and when I did, I asked who they were, what they wanted and what this message would be. As I sent the email I received a rapid response in what seemed like seconds. It wasn't the response I had hoped - the email had bounced back! Apparently, this email no longer existed. I investigated as much as I could. I was also pretty occupied with my work routine so this wasn't going to be easy and I only had around 40 minutes. I did a few searches for 'Dude Plenty' and nothing of note came up. I knew there was very little else that could be done. My adventurous side decided to take a detour from my journey home towards the bottom of the Royal Mile. I was sure to find answers there but I never knew whether I would make it on time - what if this message was only going to be there for a few minutes? What then? If I was a few minutes or even seconds out, I could have missed it all.

By the time I had got to the poetry library, it was around 17:25. I rushed down the close hoping to catch a glimpse of what had awaited me. I found nothing. It had all been an elaborate hoax. Maybe someone in the nearby flats was watching me - I had not known this sort of intrigue for a long long time. I hovered around the stairs and entrance to the library, it was closed and there was no one around. It was relatively mild compared to the the previous day and there were no winds.

I sat on the steps for a few minutes, slightly annoyed that I allowed a prank email to dictate what I did that night. I now knew what it felt like to fall for the Nigerian Prince scam although the despair of losing a little bit of my time pales into comparison to what some of those victims likely lost.

As I got up, I had a look around the close, maybe someone was watching me but all seemed relatively normal. That was until I looked on my immediate left. There was a beige folded piece of paper laying on metal stair structure - on it was written 'THE DONER INFORMER' in capital letters and in red pen. My heart skipped a beat. I opened the letter and was greeted with the following poem:

The Doner Hoose

Spicy meat’s a richt guid feed,                         

Wi pilau rice n chapatti breid.

Alas the het o’ a Ruby Murray,                                                       

Didnae syte, ma mynd did worry. 

                                                  

Aa needit bree wi rowth o’ fire.                                                      

Aboot the shaps aa did enquire. 

                                                       

Aw curries, n thon Mexican chilli,

Thai, Chinese, pepper pies fae Killie.

Samples o’ the hottest paste,

Sauces dinglin tongue post-taste. 

                                                       

Alas, wi heat o’ hell awantin,                                                               

The deils wha cook wir sairly daunten.     

                                         

But than a spied a couthie chiel,                                                         

Graftin ower a michty meal.         

                                                        

Sclicin aff some muckle collops,                                   

Than spuins o’ sauce in wappin dollops.    

                                         

A gang tae scran this muckle fare,                                                          

Wi spicy bree, as hot as dare.

The King o’ Chilli hoose saved honour,

Aa think a’ll hae kebab o’ doner.

 

Peter Findlay, Doner fain

Accompanied with the poem was a thoughtful set of translations for some of the lesser known Scots words in the poem. Obviuosly I was bewildered. Why had I been dragged out here to find this? Why could I not have just been emailed this poem? Why the Scottish Poetry Library? Who was Peter Findlay? This all reminded me of the person that left various book sculptures across the city - was I too to receive a doner kebab book sculpture? Why did Peter Findlay use the name 'Dude Plenty' on his email? Was it the same person? Had Peter Findlay been watching me as I tucked into my various doners around the city? If there was one thing I did know, it was that Peter Findlay had been keeping a close eye on the blog and knew more about me than was necessary/comfortable.

Doner Kebab, Bobby's Café, Edinburgh

Offering: Doner Kebab

Establishment: Bobby's Café, Edinburgh

Date and time: 9th of January 2017, 17:32

Price: £5.50

Seating: Over 20 chairs


During the heat of the Fringe last year, a mysterious man would sit on a tall seat outside Greyfriars Bobby's Bar and just a stones throw away from Pizza Paradise. He was holding a sign, directing people towards the small downhill street called Candlemaker Row. It was there, almost adjacent to yet strangely below the greenery of Pizza Paradise a new establishment had graced our historic streets: Bobby's Cafe had just been realised. Named after a story about a dog that enjoyed taking a routine dump at the same poor bastards grave; there are many nearby establishments cashing in on this complete shit-show of a yarn but the newer these establishments are, the less forgiving I feel towards them. Nevertheless, after trying a pretty average pizza there around September, I returned early this year to sample what would prove to be a surprisingly decent affair - their doner kebab! 

A swift but close inspection of their display revealed a peculiar familiarity; I asked the small, thin Arabic fellow if this establishment was run by the chaps responsible for Yum Yums -  to which the teenager from the back of the seating area replied that the supplier for Yum Yums was the same as Bobby's. I was disappointed. You see, Yum Yums is great - the ingredients are fresh, the displays are pretty, the soup is great, the kofte kebabs, the chicken  and so on are excellent! Even the prices are really, really good - the problem though is that their doner is really quite bland. I turned to the teenager once more, his concern visible as I looked into his eyes, distraught - 'what about the doner?' I asked, to which he replied, that the doner was different as the type Bobby's had was stored in a container and not rotated on a spit with the gas turned up - i.e, the traditional way. My relief was probably visible but I was still unconvinced - you see, the great Lazeez also appear to not have a doner on rotational display but their doner is dynamite - what would I make of Bobbys?

I witnessed the kebab in creation; a pitta bread was placed inside the oven and what looked like a 10-inch pizza tray full of cold doner meat accompanying it. After a few minutes, the chef asked what sort of salad I would like - this was really the kind of variety any babbery should at least offer their patrons - shredded lettuce, red cabbage, sparse thinly cut bell peppers, jalapeños and tomatoes. There was a glaring absence of onions though, this is a vital mistake as no babbery should violate such a basic law of kebab salad but it was just about made up for with the variety in the salad.

When the small box was handed to me, I was also a little bit concerned that the size was going to be insufficient - they don't serve a range of sizes, just the standard size. At £5.50, this was averagely priced and comparable with many of the babberies in the area. As I sat down on the understated and slightly grubby eating area, I noticed what a clean looking kebab experience I was about to have - all the contents of the kebab and the way it was stuffed reminded me of Topkapi - the structural integrity of the doner was sound. Additionally, it would appear that there was a greater meaty content in this kebab than the Topkapi one and 150p was saved in the process.

...a pitta bread was placed inside the oven and what looked like a 10-inch pizza tray full of cold doner meat accompanying it.

All looked well as I wired in, I sampled the chilli - its meagre lashings felt lacking. The garlic sauce, it's thickness unquestionable and it's strength understated like the many before it. There was nothing overwhelming about this doner but I was feeling its presence was comforting indeed. I sampled the meat and it was far superior to Yum Yums doner, even better than Cappadocia. An interesting feature of it was it's slights chars at the end - this added a pleasant crispiness to it's texture. In some places, whenever I have experienced this it has been overdone - dry after being reheated on a charcoal grill, often a complete and utter disappointment but here it is a masterclass - think of it as adding small nachos dispersed within the kebab, a very rare experience and all the more richer for it. I was also assured that the meat of the matter was indeed lamb. It probably was quite processed considering their methodology, however it tasted relatively pure.

As I polished off those final morsels, I was pleasantly surprised how my trip to this establishment ended up. Yes, Bobby was not top of the league, heck Bobby was barely contending for a spot in Europe but think Leicester City 2017 rather than 2016 - they know their place and they're happy enough to occupy it and so are their clientele, probably.

Verdict: 7/10

Super Donner, Madras Cottage, Edinburgh

Offering: Super Donner

Establishment: Madras Cottage, Edinburgh

Date and time: 24th December 2016, 19:27

Price: £4.80

Seating: N/A (collected and having never entered the new premises)

There are two types of people in this world: those that like their doner by the size and those that like their doner by quality. I as I'm sure you're aware fall into the latter group - I do value size but I think its important to value price and quality a little bit over size. My father though, he's a man that like the get 'bang for his buck' so to speak. As a result, for years he has enjoyed a gigantic doner kebab from the infamous Madras Cottage. Some years ago, the Cottage used to be situated by the Marionville roundabout and was heavily frequented by my father and I. It has since moved to Piershill after a dispute with the owners of the premises regarding rent left the Cottagers seeking pastures a-new. Despite this move, the quality of their offerings has remained consistent, this standard has remained the same. As always, this review will aim to explore that standard.

In most places, when you ask for the large doner, you very rarely get handed a 10 inch pizza box stuffed full of a gigantic double-sized naan bread, dark wide slithers of doner meat packed to capacity and enough chilli sauce to seep through the cardboard box. What more, if you did receive such a delectable feast, you would expect it to cost north of £10, not south of five. In Madras Cottage you get all of these things. I am sensing your reaction and it's either one of two - you're wondering when this heavenly sounding place opens so you can buy 2 and freeze one for later or, and in my mind more importantly, you are asking yourself what the catch is. This review aims to cater for both of these thought processes.

Once you place the box down on the table and rip the sellotape off and lift that pizza box open, you are greeted with what looks like a large sandwich - once you lift the top half of the bread and witness the sheer volume of content you tend to feel overwhelmed. Upon closer inspection, you do notice quite a large amount of white cabbage in the salad and not only it is really chunky, it's fairly hard too. In fact, the white cabbage is pretty much what make up the vast bulk of the accompanying salad - there is almost no lettuce and even less onions - this salad is a disaster - there are no tomatoes, no jalapenos, no peppers, no carrots and barely even cucumbers (the Eamon Holmes of the salad world) - there was no chance of any coriander or even a zingy little dressing. What's that you say? OK, I gather that it was £4.80 and a week's feast for some people.

 

. . . around two and a half times the size of the Kebab Mahal offering - just to put things into perspective for you.

The chilli sauce is more a sweet sauce, it has no bite at all really and seems seriously overloaded with sugar. There is no salad sauce. I've never had a kebab with salad sauce from the Madras Cottage, they clearly don't serve a salad sauce. Yes, I heard you - 4.80! I know, at this rate I should just buy my own sauces and salad from a better kebab shop and disperse it over the contents of this creation; it'll still cost less than a coffee and a slice of cake.

And this is the part you have probably all been waiting for, the meat of this kebab tastes like it's a mixture of lamb and one or two other things. It does taste heavily processed though but I do suspect that there is some mutton content and maybe even some beef and/or turkey content too. If you see above, the menu also fails to explain what exactly this meat is made of, preferring to describe itself simply as "donner". It tastes pretty decent considering its ambiguity. It doesn't taste all that distinctive though, pretty boringly seasoned and a bit on the bland side, it is however a very salty tasting kebab - I imagine it contains way more than the recomended daily salt intake for the average person. It is because of meat like this though that all those world weary, health conscious, perspicacious types are critical of our beloved babs - you know the type; the kind of person that ridicules you for your doner offering whilst taking a bite of their rank looking sausage!

The naan bread is pretty decent, incredibly large, though maybe a little too small for an even distribution of its delightful toppings but it is £4.80. It's a thick naan too, not really much like the naan from Kebab Mahal. This kebab is also around two and a half times the size of the Kebab Mahal offering - just to put things into perspective for you.

This kebab could easily be shared between 2-3 people and if you buy it and consume it all yourself then I salute you. I will also call A & E. Because this kebab was collected by my father, I was not in a position to ask if they made the chilli sauce themselves and similarly, I was in no position to see if there was any seating area in the premises.

I will give you my verdict: the kebab is £4.80. At this price, you really can't go too far wrong as someone is bound to be impressed by the sheer magnitude of this monsterously sized doner! With this in mind, I am going to award it an above average score, however, if you are like my father and value quantity over quality, I reccomend you add four marks (Marx?) to my verdict. Either way, everyone should try this kebab - take it as a gift; bring it to your Bar Mitzvahs; take it instead of grapes to the hospital or why not bribe the police?

Verdict: 6/10

Large Doner Kebab, Marmaris, Edinburgh

Offering: Large Doner Kebab

Establishment: Marmaris Kebab House (South Clerk St.), Edinburgh

Date and time: 21st November 2016, 19:34

Price: £7.50

Seating: Over 20 simple seats

There comes a time when when despite how good the food of an establishment is, if the service received is so underwhelming, it automatically has an effect on how you perceive their doner. If you go somewhere and find that they have very little value for the customer and appear to consider the customer to be a nuisance to their day-to-day lives, you may ask yourself 'Well, how good is the doner there anyway? is it really worth having to face staff members that consider you beneath them?' - this is my experience of Marmaris Kebab House.

I don't want you to be alarmed. It's not like every person behind the counter in Marmaris threatens you with a kebab skewer as soon as you greet them but there are definitely a few issues with the attitude of the staff and they need addressing if they want to reverse the bad feeling against them. If you don't believe me, just take a look at the Trip Advisor comments where you will find various users accusing the staff of discrimination to outright violence. I no longer wish to go into too much detail about the staff as whilst my experience of them has been unsatisfactory, I have thankfully never experienced any violence.

An especially great aspect of their kebabs is the presentation. Looking at the photo above, I feel that their plate set up and accompanying sauce bowls are truly a thing of beauty. It's not always that you can say that about lamb doner either; many people I've known are turned off by the fact that the average doner kebab is hardly a feast to their inexperienced anti-kebabist eyes. It could also be argued though that those people are snobs and barely qualify as people and that they should not be allowed to vote.

The experience of pouring your sauce on the thin curved lamb slithers also adds a ceremonial sense to this occasion. The salad is very appealingly cut, in nice small pieces and all the usual suspects are present, they seem to have been lightly dressed in a lemon juice and combined with finely chopped coriander. Oh, what's this? fried potato sticks, of a previously frozen nature? Why not? I never expected to see you rear your respectable head in this neck of the woods. All this would be a masterclass in doner accompaniments had it nor been for the fact that it's just too much gimmicks and not enough doner! Taking a look at the photos and you find that salad and chips take up around two thirds to a half of the actual plate - I never asked for this!

I just wanted a large doner kebab, a nice big portion of meat, stuffed in pita bread with salad and sauce. What I got was a bleak look into the motivations of stingy kebab seller.

The chips are nothing special, they seem to just take up space and if they weren't there, they would not be sorely missed...

You can really tell the plentiful vegetable content of the chilli sauce when you begin to pour and see it land on the meat as it begins to separate into the smaller curvatures of the doner. There are also bottles of tangy salad sauce at every table in this establishment and if you're a bit strange, you can add some vinegar and so forth. Whilst the sauce adds a decent level of moistness to the meat, there isn't really a great deal of flavour - there is a tang but there is not much else at all, quite disappointing.

The chips are nothing special, they seem to just take up space and if they weren't there, they would not be sorely missed - fewer chips and more meat would be a step in the right direction. I'm not so sure I like having to fill the pita bread up with the doner and salad either, it seems like quite a task when presented like this, it will inevitably lead to a smaller filled kebab too as you will likely worry about getting it's contents on you and you will probably play it safe, just like I did - eating the rest of the meat without it's bread companion is not as satisfying.

The doner meat is good, its well seasoned and the quality can be compared to Topkapi but it still falls short of their standard. I will say though, the seasoning of the Marmaris meat is far better than Topkapi.

For all its pomp, for all it's grandiose presentation and it's plentiful seats, it's early opening hours and it's weekday lunchtime special prices, the Marmaris doner falls short for it suffers from stingy portions and sub-par sauce. To add insult to injury, I was charged more than I expected - Marmaris do not charge you the fee shown on their menu board if you choose to sit in. They don't clarify this on their menu board either; you can't help but feel a little bit stung by their staff members upon the sit-in visit. For this quantity and quality, it just isn't worth it.

Verdict: 6/10

Regular Doner Kebab, Pasha Takeaway, Edinburgh.

Offering: Regular Doner Kebab

Establishment: Pasha Takeaway, Edinburgh

Date and time:  5th November 2016, 18:05

Price: £5

Seating: Around 8 pleasant high-rise stools


There used to be a Pasha (now Che's) opposite Cappadocia on Forrest Road. In my adolescence, I used to frequent The Egg at the Wee Red Bar and the contrast between revelers visiting the then Pasha and Cappadocia was stark; Pasha was often quieter. I'm not entirely sure whether the owner's of this takeaway, just off Lothian Road and the old takeaway on Forrest Road are the same but if they are, I really missed a trick in my Egg days.

Something great happened to me tonight. Tonight, I eat part of the bab with a fork (as usual) and then when it was safe enough, I lifted the doner kebab up and eat it like a sandwich. This was a fairy decent, strong, at times crispy pita bread. I never once looked like it was going to fall apart due to the kebab meat or absurd lashings of chilli sauce. It held itself together like a German.

...the chilli sauce, whilst very mild it did have some character...

One thing I'm not always tremendously keen on (I'm pernickety) is the salad being placed on the side of a kebab. It should really always be within the kebab unless there is an accompanying side salad, that was not the case tonight though (as you can see above). Tonight I had a pretty heavy-mayonnaise based garlic sauce that was delicious but some may have found it a bit too dominant. The chilli sauce, whilst very mild it did have some character, it sang lower notes for flavour but it added a sweet saltiness to the overall experience.

The doner meat itself was a nice lamb base, tasted very pure to me, as if there was very little in the way of bulking agent, if anything at all.

At £5, this kebab was excellent, Pasha can really be proud of the produce they dish out here. There are a few things I would change like the salad placing and I would probably give away a handful of chips with the kebab too but lets face, we're splitting hairs here.

Verdict: 8/10

Regular Lamb Doner Kebab, Cappadocia, Edinburgh.

Offering: Regular Lamb Doner Kebab

Establishment: Cappadocia, Edinburgh

Date and time: 9th November 2016, 16:30

Price: £5 (concession)

Seating: Around 15


When I was a teenager, after getting annoyed about about my friend's failure to leave The Wee Red Bar, it was common place to acquire what I would consider for much of my foolish teenage years as the pinnacle of bab heaven. A place that would be open when every other babbery had closed. A place that pretended to be closed too but upon closer inspection, one would observe a trickle of drunken ne'er-do-well's emerging from the dimly lit baby-blue takeaway at 03:30. Cappadocia was my palace and I was king!     

Some years later, I experienced a vast array of kebabs from the finest that this country has to offer. I would come realise my embarrassment that Cappadocia probably wasn't exactly how I remembered it but rather, it was maybe the attachment of fond memories of illegal kebabs that tainted my thoughts.


A very vegetable textured chilli sauce, quite weak but the thickness and texture of it is perhaps it's most distinctive and enjoyable feature. Upon first touch, the most defining aspect of this kebab is the fact that it was overwhelmed with it's salad brother. If you look at the photo, you will notice that there is little in the way of meat in this kebab - this is unfair as moving the salad reveals it's carved lamb glories.

... a handful of fried potato companions by it's side - a true testament to a beloved bab, it's a sign that the server and indeed the establishment itself cares about it's customers...

The meat itself is distinctive yet somewhat unbalanced; there seems to be an imbalance in both the texture and the flavour, not the greatest meat I've had, in fact, a bit disappointing. It is unmistakable but you will probably only really enjoy this kebab if you never eaten one for around 5 months (round here, that's unrealistic).

One fine aspect of the Cappadocia experience is the fact that you get a handful of fried potato companions by it's side - a true testament to a beloved bab, it's a sign that the server and indeed the establishment itself cares about it's customers.

Combining the chilli with mayo on the chips is indeed a pleasant experience but the establishment in question does not really do much for me with it's main doner delight. If you're around, give it a bash, you might disagree but from here, I prefer a chips, cheese with salt, vinegar, chilli and mayo - it sounds bizzare but it's a better and cheaper offering than the doner at this juncture.

Verdict: 6/10

Regular Lamb Doner Wrap, Original Best Turkish Kebab House.

Offering: Regular Doner Wrap

Establishment: Original Best Turkish Kebab House, Edinburgh

Date and time: 29th October 2016, 01:00

Price: £5.50

Seating: Yes, very limited
 
The Original Best Turkish Kebab House has stood in it's existing form for around two years or so, it was once a joint venture with the owners of The Best Kebab House, however a disagreement resulted in management going their separate ways and today they are divided only by a pub* and presumably a loyal clientele. These aren't the only "best kebab" establishments in the North and North East Edinburgh area as in Abbeyhill, the Kurdish Best Kebab House has also been sighted.

Now, to the kebab itself, with a vegetable textured chilli sauce that burns without its yoghurt friend, this chilli sauce will normally only be there if you specifically request it. It is amongst the best chilli sauces I've ever tried with doner. This lady in red will gently kiss your tongue upon first touch with an immediately subtle yet full flavour, the further up your tongue she travels though, be prepared for it's burn.

The other accompanying chilli sauce is a milder, sweeter affair, it has a smooth consistency, much more common but by no means poor.

...it is amongst the best chilli sauces I've ever tried with doner. This lady in red will gently kiss your tongue upon first touch with an immediately subtle yet full flavour...

The bread is identical to a Mexican burrito wrap, an alternative to the rougher Arabic Khubz bread you might see more often in lesser establishments (but that is by no means an indictment on such places, rather a mere pattern).

The volume of the kebab itself is slightly smaller than it could be, with that in mind, the owners would do well to provide at this price-point - it could leave an enthusiast craving.

The salad was basic traditional with no surprises (lettuce, onions, tomatoes).

The meat was, I'm told, 100% organic lamb. It tastes good too, the texture is slightly rubbery and maybe drier than average at first kiss but the further she travels, the more you realise you are not eating a bulked out product - you're eating a true, rich lamb contender.

Verdict: 7/10 

*Updated images from Google maps inconveniently shows a bus covering views of both establishments, therefore the image linked is from 2012.

Doner; Reclaiming Our Heritage From The Elite.

Around 40 years ago, if you wanted to eat a quick healthy meal after a hard days graft, you only had the choice of the local chip shop establishment at best, or if you were particularly poor, a packet of Golden Wonder would have to suffice. That was until a new exotic food from the continent started appearing on side streets and main thoroughfares; Scotland, the UK and the rest of the world had changed forever.

It was around this time that analysts noted the stark contrasts in the British socio-political landscape, such striking differences that still reverberate to this day. Indeed it would be the late 1970's when Margaret Thatcher would be appointed Prime Minister and the first notes of punk-rock had been playing in underground nightclubs in what seemed like urban wastelands, shattering all preconceived notions of what popular music could be.

Some 15 Years earlier, the Americans relentlessly raced the Russians to the moon and when Neil Armstrong symbolically first step foot on the reflective surface of that world, he was underwhelmed that he didn't find what he was looking for.

For thousands of years, books had been written; schools of thought had formed; entire civilisations had emerged, perished and re-emerged. The greatest thinkers of all time were about to be humbled: Stephen Hawking, Albert Einstein, Zlatan. A momentous occasion was upon us!

Soon the day would come. Soon the day would come when a meal so delightful in it's presentation, so exquisite in its posture. So ergonomically advanced and ahead of it's time, boasting a mere 1100 calories...  Soon the day would dawn.

What Armstrong was looking for had been happening for centuries in the Middle East. I have no idea why he went to the moon. Neither did he.

Like the Whirling Dervish, the food known to rotate on a spit was almost upon us - it's rough textured slithers of only the choicest quality, cut to perfection by the only the most qualified artisan, complete with chef's hat, charming apron, preferably a thick moustache and non-native English speaking accent.

...overnight, those who had once been so powerful, saw themselves slip off the radar as each sharpened knife tore into grilled minced lamb; the regiments began revolting, the army as a unified single force tore through the establishment...

One incredibly fateful day, it was as if the birth of a new nation had taken place. A people united only by a shared desire of what culinary perfection could be. An unstoppable desire, a zeitgeist unlike any before it, a true moment of wonder was upon us!


As the slithers of delightful joy tumbled on the pitta, dancing on the bread like heavens children or the notes of a harp, a moment previously unimaginable had just taken place. When it rained a mysterious red along with the greenery one would only have seen in exotic gardens, topped up and presented to our subjects, the looks of amazement and euphoria were unquestionable.

Neil Armstrong finally found what he was looking for.

Golden Wonder would one day catch up, but it was too late. For by then the providential impact of the Turkish community on Scotland and the UK could never be reversed. The edible champion had successfully orchestrated what would go on to be considered one of the biggest, most relentless coup d'etats of all time.

There were suggestions...campaigns; demonstrations even!! This is where true power lies. This magnificent foodstuff must replace the face of the Queen on British currency. It was as if overnight, those who had once been so powerful, saw themselves slip off the radar as each sharpened knife tore into grilled minced lamb; the regiments began revolting, the army as a unified single force tore through the establishment like...well, like the artisan chef himself.

The Doner Kebab had finally arrived in the UK.