Large Doner Kebab, Uncle's, Edinburgh

Offering: Large Doner Kebab

Establishment: Uncle's Fish and Chips, George IV Bridge, Edinburgh

Date and time:  8th February 2017, 12:25

Price: £7.50 w/discount

Seating: 20+ comfy and spacious seats, café set up

I've been scoping this area for a number of years now and during the first few months, Uncle's Fish and Chips took over an additional unit next door and created a vast café space for itself, complete with comfy, bar-style seating. The presentation of this establishment is A+ - the pinnacle surroundings where a doner should be devoured. The problems though soon begin to show and they are not just salad deep...

Firstly, there was an odd situation communicating with the staff and trying to ascertain the suitable discount - the prices on display were for a 'shewarma wrap' but I asked for a doner kebab and was told it was more expensive than the shewarma which was priced at a respectable £5.80. In the end, with added local discount, I was a charged what seemed like a mammoth £7.50. If you ever decide to visit Marmaris during lunch hours for sitting in, you will be charged £6 - and the quantity of food served is easily a third greater. I was really shocked at the size of the kebab I received when it was placed in front of me - the main plate in Marmaris is easily the same size as the plate above but Uncle's is barely full, Marmaris almost entirely fills the plate and serves the pita bread separately! 

Having to suffer what seemed like a ridiculous fifteen minute wait and whilst there were people getting their take-aways, I was the sole person in the café area. This was easily the longest I have ever had to wait for a doner kebab.

...the yogurt sauce was thick and creamy, a bit of a highlight in an otherwise grim affair. The chilli was seriously forgettable...

Another bone of contention was that previously, I sent a spy to this establishment to report back with findings - I was told of beautiful things but mainly that chips would be served with my kebab. Looking back, there were no chips. They would have been warmly welcomed on such a naked plate too, particularly after the £7.50 anal expansion that I suffered as a result of sampling this 'fun-sized' mistake.

The meat was cut super thin and it felt very much like it was cut so thin on purpose so to give the impression that the kebab was bigger than it was but this kebab probably had the meat quantity of the legendary Lazeez (possibly even less), bearing in mind that they charge £4.95 and you can still plonk yer arse down on one of their many uncomfortable seats. Another thing worth noting is that the image shows absolutely zero meat actually inside the pita bread - all the meat you see is all you get and cut so thin like wood shavings, this is easily the stingiest doner I've ever had. The meat quality was reasonable though, in fact pretty decent, it was considerably better than your standard fare.

The sauces were fairly average, the yogurt sauce was thick and creamy, a bit of a highlight in an otherwise grim affair. The chilli was seriously forgettable. Other than the texture, the flavour and heat level was lacking and dull. Another interesting note was that I had to specifically ask for the chilli sauce; I only received the yogurt sauce initially and this was certainly a first as everyone and their Nan(n) knows that you would always get offered the chilli sauce over anything else when kebabbin' hard.

Whilst this kebab is photogenic, central and served in possibly the nicest environment in which you can eat a doner kebab in Edinburgh, the content and price point doesn't allow me to recommend it to anyone. Without a discount, this kebab must cost a shade below £10 and that's just horrendous! If you ever do come to Uncles, don't come for a kebab, but lets face it, what else you are you going to order? This kebab was aw fur coat and nae knickers.

Verdict: 4/10

Large Doner Kebab Sandwich, Zenobia, Edinburgh

Offering: Large Doner Kebab Sandwich

Establishment: Zenobia, Edinburgh

Date and time: 17th November 2016, 13:05

Price: £5 (concessions)

Seating: Many seats, primarily a restaurant.


Friends, I think I'm been followed. Not on this blog but indeed the real world. It would seem that my face is becoming a regular fixture in doner establishments - that would at least explain the discounts I get given randomly by familiar faces behind the counter. I'm not complaining, in fact, this is perhaps the only time I get a regular discount in any sort of establishment and I'm really grateful for it. Anytime you see the word concessions next to the price of the item, that is indicative of a delightful doner friend-ed discount, such establishments deserve your special attention for they have helped democratise the doner. They are friends of the people. The common man. 

I know what your thinking - the informer has went all posh, it was only a matter of time before the greedy bastard had his cake and eat it! May I remind you though, renting the plate cost nothing here - the cost of £5 for a doner 'sandwich' is indeed excellent value but how does the kebab taste.

Indeed, Zenobia is perfectly located for anyone near the bridges, the former MacDoners (well named but not a great doner!) is in such a busy thoroughfare, everyone that's ever been to Edinburgh is likely to have passed it at some point.

My first impressions are that the sandwich itself is quite small and the doner carvings do look quite pale and bland. This would normally be quite off-putting but remembering the price of this doner, I thought that there was very little to be expected.

The lift is tremendous - the kebab is marvellously constructed if quite oddly filled. The meat seems to take up two thirds of the sandwich itself whereas the salad, whilst delightful, with the addition of carrots, coriander, red lettuce and various other mixed herbs, is far too plentiful and it results in an uncommon crunch, something not normally associated with doner.

...gives a good solid burn and with the creamy sauce...

You would be forgiven for thinking that the sauces are absent in this doner, there seems be very little to show for them, however, when you take a bite, a pink creamy sauce oozed from the bottom as well as an oil-based green sauce (special requests allow for a double helping of this magical substance) that really gives a good solid burn and with the creamy sauce, it satisfyingly scratches an itch.

The doner within is unlike any other doner I've had before - the texture is reasonable and in some ways tastes like turkey (it;s lamb though, according to the menu at least). The seasoning of it though, it has an uncommon savoury cheese taste to it, making it amongst the most distinctive doner meat in this city. It wouldn't surprise me if there was a powdered cheese style ingredient specially seasoned to give that doner it's cheesy kick.

The bread is an Arabic khobz  bread; holds together very well and no sauce would ever seep through it but some with sensitive teeth might find it a bit hard to eat through.

The size of this sandwich is also quite small, not terrible at this price point, however, every time I don, I expect to be pretty filled up, regardless of the price - I was not as satisfied as I could have been and I would quite happily pay a little extra for a bigger sandwich - an option not advertised at the time.

It's all over. The fat lady has sung. All too soon, this doner was probably taken care of in a matter of a few minutes. Whilst I was really hungry, I can't help but feel that many who walk through those black painted, glass-fronted doors are probably going to leave this place unsatisfied, mainly due to portion size rather than the quality of food though.

Verdict: 7/10

Large Doner Kebab, Lazeez Tandoori, Edinburgh.

Offering: Large Doner Kebab

Establishment: Lazeez, Edinburgh

Date and time: 13th November 2016, 18:05

Price: £4.95

Seating: Around 10 seats


In 2010, I was working late nights at the western side of town - I never knew a thing about any doner establishments further west than Lothian Road. One autumn night that year, that was to change forever.  

This unassuming, slightly down-trodden looking takeaway caught my eye. I have a real passion for places that look quite rough on the outside and maybe even on the inside, but once you get past the shabbiness, you are greeted by people who have worked day and night to provide delicious food to people in the know (see Kebab Mahal [expect a review soon], The Sicilian Pastry Shop and Marcella.) They are usually run by salt of the earth people that have been plying their trade for decades in the same spot. There seems to be ten a penny pretentious eateries but gems like those mentioned above are really what good food's all about. And a good bab.


If kebabs were like the girl or boy you've been seeing for a while, the doner from Lazeez would be something akin to your weekend plaything; as soon as you see it, you know you want it, you'll devour it for all it's worth and you'll probably cry yourself to sleep at night when it's gone and you can't have your wicked way with it once more.

Remember the time you first had a kebab? Do you remember the feeling of satisfaction after you finished it? Do you remember how you're life changed forever? Would you like to feel that again? Go to Lazeez. Go there now.

You'd be forgiven for thinking that this place is not going to offer much, truth is though, it offers everything you might want from an Pakistani/Indian takeaway.

When I received the kebab, it was handed to me in a tight paper wrap; quite unconventional. When I took my seat, I was informed by the lady behind the counter that I should have told her I was sitting in, she would have served the kebab in a plate, no problem I said, I was happy to eat this as is.

The photo above, to me is a work of art. This is what kebabs in the UK are - they look nasty but incredible, something that would make some cower in fear and other ravish it's very spot. It's the imagery above, as well as seeing the doner on the spit that makes certain people turn their nose up at the thought of a kebab (but they'll happily eat sausages and burgers!) and what makes the other half's stomach growl in madness and desire. I am very much the latter.

The cuts of lamb* on this kebab are a thickness once only ever dreamt off. Nice thick cuts, the kind that you really enjoy swallowing in satisfaction. This kebab was definitely one of the most satisfying I've ever eaten.

...it only burst at the lower seams in grand merriment when its plentiful lamb contents could no longer be contained...

Upon the gracious lift, so stunning was the mouthful: the sauces, not remotely domineering but at the same time, just, understated yet making true impact on their subtle spiciness, not like the sugary red-coloured vegetables you get in some places but rather both youghurt and chilli were so well-balanced, so well adjusted to the texture of the lamb that it was breathtaking piece of culinary perfection; the lamb cuts, the thickness of which must have taken a long time to perfect; the pitta itself, whilst generic, it was cooked to magnificence defined - it only burst at the lower seams in grand merriment when its plentiful lamb contents could no longer be contained!

This succulent piece of doner grandeur could only have been crafted by a master artisan at the very top of their game.

As I saw myself out; my mind altered; my stomach in doner-induced ecstasy - I asked the Scottish-accented Pakistani lady whether they make the chilli sauce themselves: "Yes, did you like it?" "No..." I responded. Before adding "...it was reasonable." You have to keep them on their toes - before you know it, they're begin resting on their laurels.

Verdict: 9/10  

 

*After a further visit, I was informed by this establishment that the meat they use for their doner is in fact a mixture of lamb and beef.

Regular Doner Kebab, Pasha Takeaway, Edinburgh.

Offering: Regular Doner Kebab

Establishment: Pasha Takeaway, Edinburgh

Date and time:  5th November 2016, 18:05

Price: £5

Seating: Around 8 pleasant high-rise stools


There used to be a Pasha (now Che's) opposite Cappadocia on Forrest Road. In my adolescence, I used to frequent The Egg at the Wee Red Bar and the contrast between revelers visiting the then Pasha and Cappadocia was stark; Pasha was often quieter. I'm not entirely sure whether the owner's of this takeaway, just off Lothian Road and the old takeaway on Forrest Road are the same but if they are, I really missed a trick in my Egg days.

Something great happened to me tonight. Tonight, I eat part of the bab with a fork (as usual) and then when it was safe enough, I lifted the doner kebab up and eat it like a sandwich. This was a fairy decent, strong, at times crispy pita bread. I never once looked like it was going to fall apart due to the kebab meat or absurd lashings of chilli sauce. It held itself together like a German.

...the chilli sauce, whilst very mild it did have some character...

One thing I'm not always tremendously keen on (I'm pernickety) is the salad being placed on the side of a kebab. It should really always be within the kebab unless there is an accompanying side salad, that was not the case tonight though (as you can see above). Tonight I had a pretty heavy-mayonnaise based garlic sauce that was delicious but some may have found it a bit too dominant. The chilli sauce, whilst very mild it did have some character, it sang lower notes for flavour but it added a sweet saltiness to the overall experience.

The doner meat itself was a nice lamb base, tasted very pure to me, as if there was very little in the way of bulking agent, if anything at all.

At £5, this kebab was excellent, Pasha can really be proud of the produce they dish out here. There are a few things I would change like the salad placing and I would probably give away a handful of chips with the kebab too but lets face, we're splitting hairs here.

Verdict: 8/10