Large Doner Kebab, The Best Kebab House, Edinburgh

Offering: Large Doner Kebab

Establishment: Best Kebab House, Leith

Date and time:  various times over 2017

Price: £6.50

Seating: 3 high rise chairs

Over the years many working-class areas the length and breadth of the country have become home to certain kind of urbanite, providing of course that area had more than a bookie and a pub. What’s more, these areas are usually not as homogenous as the more exclusive parts of the city; oftentimes, containing a variety of people of different creeds and colours making up this melting pot reflecting in the diversity of choice available for shoppers and kebab conquerors alike. Leith is one such area. Gentrified almost beyond recognition, in Leith Walk it was common place to see drunken, obnoxious good-time boys on the first day of British Summertime proclaiming their own greatness with gleeful gusto and rank self-awareness; the rancid junkie in his casual stupor or indeed a charming character, ‘Buzz' known for his transcendental aerosol gas intake, who would make friends with any of the aforementioned with the ease and similar objective of a Salamander Street operative extracting coin from said inebriate.

Whilst these inhabitants still exist in Leith today, there has been a rapid intake of the English hipster crowd, accelerated though perhaps not sparked by the emergence of student flats for Edinburgh University residents in the Shrub Hill area of Leith Walk. It is now more common to see sheepskin coats, thick rimmed glasses with Apple laptops in hand than Buzz or his sympathisers exiting one of the nearby pubs. Slowly but surely, the historical characters have either died off or moved further towards the Foot of the Walk to nearby Junction Street where pubs are still cheap and stabbings unreported.

One thing that’s not changed over the decades though is that Best Kebab House is still regarded as a Leith institution. We’ve previously spoken about the bad blood that once existed between them and the owners of Original Best Kebab House and sadly, after much controversy, the OBKH lost its operating license due to a number of violations though mainly thanks to operating after 1AM – a practice it was not entitled to. It’s a shame really. The chilli sauce was in a different league – it genuinely lived up to its name whereas the more common establishments serve a glamorised tomato ketchup.

The meat, with its smoother spaced touch gives the impression of being slightly cheaper than the OBKH fare and thus less chewy, it also doesn't taste tremendously well seasoned.

Some years ago, before the conflict, Best Kebab House used to operate from the now defunct Express Best Kebab (or something, God knows what it was called but it lasted around two months and was quite frankly sub-par) and previously OBKH. Back when it was a united entity, it truly was the best kebab in Leith. Utterly unrivaled on this end of Princes' Street, the closest kebab by proximity was Leith Walk Kebab and Pizza House across the road from Pilrig Street, once adorned with Coca Cola signs and unquestionably not worth the effort. At Elm Row, there is a place that's had more names than Buzz has had aerosol cans, it was half decent when it was known as Chillies though for the last ten or so years it's been known as Olympos.

The Best Kebab House of 2005 was the pinnacle of doner achievement in Edinburgh. The sauce was identical to OBKH, the famous potatoes had the most delicious thick coating, one would forget chips existed. Best Kebab House in 2017, whilst not living up to those lofty standards - the product still packs punch. The chilli sauce, though delightfully textured tastes more common, quite sweet and has a runny viscosity, it is still a handy companion to curly doner slithers. The meat, with its smoother spaced touch gives the impression of being slightly cheaper than the OBKH fare and thus less chewy, it also doesn't taste tremendously well seasoned.

With prevalent red lettuce and the timeless salad sauce, the kebab does a lot of things right. The pita bread, despite being unremarkable is sturdy and carries its contents proud. The accompanying tatties are still a draw, with salad sauce and pickled cabbage they are a devourer's delight however they're a shadow of themselves. Previously, the coating of the most delectable fried chicken had been sealed upon a roast potato whereas now, its as if some of the batter from lesser chicken once shared a tray with the potato. The kebabbery is such a clean place and the seating area, whilst small is spotless, I often have no problems parking myself here for 15 or so minutes though at times, it can be busy and you might be tempted by the fried chicken across the road.    

Despite the changes in Leith Walk, despite the change in ownership of Best Kebab House, its new recipes and its ever changing clientele - I can't blame the hipsters for diminishing the quality of the beloved kebab sold here. It's still worth a visit, serves a mean doner and with an original side dish that you simply won't get elsewhere in Edinburgh. Whilst the hipsters might have chased away the beloved Arthur Willaims, who was rumoured to be alienated by the hummus in the chilled aisles of Scotmid, it would seem that Best Kebab House will always remain in some form or another.

Verdict: 7/10

 

An offer worth pondering...

If like me, your interest in doner kebabs and all of its various interpretations is of paramount interest and if you are in or around Edinburgh City Centre, perhaps with a friend, the following promotion may be of interest to you:

The image is from Pizza Paradise (George IV Bridge). This is, in my opinion a pretty respectable though not incredible kebab establishment. It also means that you can have a kebab for breakfast, lunch and dinner, on the cheap - this is can only be a good thing. I recommend you all try this at least thrice and I look forward to hearing about your ridiculous doner frolics in the near future.

Large Doner Kebab, Cafe Piccante (London Road), Edinburgh

Offering: Large Doner Kebab

Establishment: Café Piccante, London Road, Edinburgh

Date and time: 17th December 2016 23:29

Price: £7.50

Seating: 3 chairs, 1 window length table

In the East of the city, towards the London Road area, there is a wealth of kebaberies to choose from. One particularly well known feast for the eyes is the legendary operation known as Cafe Piccante. This eatery made its name by being the first kebab zone to offer a chocolate pizza, a live DJ complete with bab-orientated set list and a mean looking bouncer that's ready to eject any of the underfed jakey's that can't handle digesting the chilli sauce. Of course, this Cafe Piccante is the one situated in Broughton Street - next to the hustle and bustle of the Capital's gay-friendly nightspots.

The London Road branch is sobering in comparison. With the DJ long hung, the bouncer (almost) not required and pizza's strictly savoury - other than that, the London Road Cafe Piccante offers an identical product to its more popular big brother. Operating from the former style-over-substance racket that was Picasso; Piccante doesn't really add much to the competing (and somewhat strictly average) babberies of this part of town.

The first thing worth noting is that there Piccante certainly want you to taste the spice and they do this by adding a few sliced jalapenos as part of their salad offering. This is a nice touch and I feel as though all doners should come with this enticing yet mild pepper (or at least something similar). It is the perfect accompaniment to any kebab, even if you like your kebabs creamy rather than spicy as they offer a succulent crunch as part of the overall experience.

...stop making your chilli sauces too sweet - they are called 'chilli' for a reason...

The cuts of the tomato are exactly how tomatoes should be cut for a kebab: quarter pieces to assist with the grandiloquent lift of the pita sandwich. Unfortunately, many eateries continue to insist that tomatoes must be sliced and stuffed into the pita, with no thought as to how a poor connoisseur must ravish such an already deconstructed sorry looking kebab. As a whole though, the salad is well thought out and is generally near the standard of how a doner salad should be, perhaps only lacking any red cabbage.

Sadly, with this kebab, its all downhill from here - the chilli sauce is sweet and adds little to nothing to this bab-nasty exercise. Calling all kebab shops - stop making your chilli sauces too sweet - they are called 'chilli' for a reason. They are not called sweet sauces. Emphasis should be given to creating a sauce that has bite, not a sauce that has sugar.

There's a slightly odd feature of the kebab that may interest some of you and it was also a feature of Turkish Carry Out kebabs too; the box is compartmentalised. If you don't like your kebabs and salads to touch then you might be in luck - for the rest of you though, I fear you may never live this down as it clearly is a slight.

The doner meat is grim and tastes like ultra processed soya morsels; it gives the whole kebab a non-distinct peppered taste with very little else to show for itself. There is no real meaty texture and it quickly becomes apparent that none of this meats imbalanced combination of ingredients concludes in a memorable meal. It feels a lot like this establishment really don't care about what they are selling when it comes to doner and care only for the people that are going to be too drunk to be discerening enough to conclude that this kebab was essentially uninspired. Like far too many places, this establishment is well placed and just outside of zone one to qualify for the prestigious 3PM opening hours, it almost certainly catches the dregs of the late night revellers that were far too pre-occupied to go to a decent kebab place when they came out of whatever hole they danced in. If you are such a person, may I recommend one of their many un-donered pizzas.

Verdict: 5/10

Large Doner Kebab, Uncle's, Edinburgh

Offering: Large Doner Kebab

Establishment: Uncle's Fish and Chips, George IV Bridge, Edinburgh

Date and time:  8th February 2017, 12:25

Price: £7.50 w/discount

Seating: 20+ comfy and spacious seats, café set up

I've been scoping this area for a number of years now and during the first few months, Uncle's Fish and Chips took over an additional unit next door and created a vast café space for itself, complete with comfy, bar-style seating. The presentation of this establishment is A+ - the pinnacle surroundings where a doner should be devoured. The problems though soon begin to show and they are not just salad deep...

Firstly, there was an odd situation communicating with the staff and trying to ascertain the suitable discount - the prices on display were for a 'shewarma wrap' but I asked for a doner kebab and was told it was more expensive than the shewarma which was priced at a respectable £5.80. In the end, with added local discount, I was a charged what seemed like a mammoth £7.50. If you ever decide to visit Marmaris during lunch hours for sitting in, you will be charged £6 - and the quantity of food served is easily a third greater. I was really shocked at the size of the kebab I received when it was placed in front of me - the main plate in Marmaris is easily the same size as the plate above but Uncle's is barely full, Marmaris almost entirely fills the plate and serves the pita bread separately! 

Having to suffer what seemed like a ridiculous fifteen minute wait and whilst there were people getting their take-aways, I was the sole person in the café area. This was easily the longest I have ever had to wait for a doner kebab.

...the yogurt sauce was thick and creamy, a bit of a highlight in an otherwise grim affair. The chilli was seriously forgettable...

Another bone of contention was that previously, I sent a spy to this establishment to report back with findings - I was told of beautiful things but mainly that chips would be served with my kebab. Looking back, there were no chips. They would have been warmly welcomed on such a naked plate too, particularly after the £7.50 anal expansion that I suffered as a result of sampling this 'fun-sized' mistake.

The meat was cut super thin and it felt very much like it was cut so thin on purpose so to give the impression that the kebab was bigger than it was but this kebab probably had the meat quantity of the legendary Lazeez (possibly even less), bearing in mind that they charge £4.95 and you can still plonk yer arse down on one of their many uncomfortable seats. Another thing worth noting is that the image shows absolutely zero meat actually inside the pita bread - all the meat you see is all you get and cut so thin like wood shavings, this is easily the stingiest doner I've ever had. The meat quality was reasonable though, in fact pretty decent, it was considerably better than your standard fare.

The sauces were fairly average, the yogurt sauce was thick and creamy, a bit of a highlight in an otherwise grim affair. The chilli was seriously forgettable. Other than the texture, the flavour and heat level was lacking and dull. Another interesting note was that I had to specifically ask for the chilli sauce; I only received the yogurt sauce initially and this was certainly a first as everyone and their Nan(n) knows that you would always get offered the chilli sauce over anything else when kebabbin' hard.

Whilst this kebab is photogenic, central and served in possibly the nicest environment in which you can eat a doner kebab in Edinburgh, the content and price point doesn't allow me to recommend it to anyone. Without a discount, this kebab must cost a shade below £10 and that's just horrendous! If you ever do come to Uncles, don't come for a kebab, but lets face it, what else you are you going to order? This kebab was aw fur coat and nae knickers.

Verdict: 4/10

Battle of the Babs - Javits v Javits (v Javits)

Offering: Doner Kebab

Establishment: Javits (Gilmerton), Edinburgh (JGil)

Date and time:  10th March 2017, 16:27

Price: £6.50

Seating: No seats!

Offering: Doner Kebab Wrap

Establishment: Javits (Granton), Edinburgh (JGra)

Date and time: 12th March 2017, 17:08

Price: £7.00

Seating: Over 10 seats and 5 tables

For years now, I've heard the considerable fanfare behind the much acclaimed Javits eateries - their kebabs have been critically acclaimed by various media outlets as well as the kebab experts. There also appears to be a difference in the product being offered at these takeaways - in 2016 JGra was nominated in the Kebab Awards whereas in 2017, JGil received this particular accolade. This has lead me to consider that both of these establishments are perhaps serving a different product. I have however observed that they are indeed owned by the same person as one of the links above would clarify. One notable annoyance of these establishments, like the many all over the country is that they both open 4PM onwards - this doesn't make for the most convenient of reviews - adding to this is their distance from Edinburgh City Centre, however I do concede that both these are well catered for by the buses.


When I got off the number 29 bus at Gilmerton, I almost had a heart attack - from the outside, it looked as though my fears had been confirmed - there was not going to be a place in this eatery where I could sit and analyse this doner specimen. When I entered, I had feelings of doubt - I should jump back on a bus and just forget I ever tried Javits, it couldn't possibly be that great anyway, considering how far out of town it was. I spoke to the artisan's assistant, asking him if he would have a small chair whereby I could park myself and thus penetrate this kebab with the thrusting energy of a hundred hyenas feasting on a blue whale. Again, I was left disappointed but there was a solution, albeit a compromise - it was suggested that I use the chest-height counter as an analysis point to which I gladly complied as the photos above demonstrate. The lack of seating and distance from the city centre might put a doner seeker off, however if one perseveres in this case the toil is sure to pay off.

If anything, it is maybe only slightly disappointing that there is no whopping great big pickled chilli pepper on top - like the angel on a Christmas Tree.

Javits know what salad to serve with a kebab! There are no unnecessary cucumbers, the lettuce is finely cut, red cabbage too (it really is shocking when there's no red cabbage in a doner!) and thinly sliced onions. If anything, it is maybe only slightly disappointing that there is no whopping great big pickled chilli pepper on top - like the angel on a Christmas Tree.

I did ask for double helpings of chilli sauce and the chap behind the counter, Danny said that I'd love his sauce; usually I take such declarations with a pinch of salt but in earnest, this sauce was truly magic! Unlike any other chilli sauce I'd sampled before, the burn lies in the strong kick of ginger one feels as a latter after note. It has a thick, vegetable textured consistency, in common with the likes of Original Best Kebab House and Pasha -  but there's been no sauce that's really come close to have such a distinctive taste in Edinburgh, it really stands on its own and its a sauce that everyone needs to try, up there with the OBK sauce but for slightly different reasons.

The salad sauce was a more straight forward affair as usual. It was the tangy light brown common companions to those beastly meaty slithers.

The doner meat was one of the few doners I've tried where I instantly knew that it was seriously high quality. Most kebabs, even though they might be a solid 9, their meat takes an unremitting 40 second taste analysis; not the case with this - the quality hits you instantly and almost unlike any other bab I'd had before. There's a really chewy texture to these slices, not entirely different to Topkapi but a thinner cut and, I'd say higher quality - there's also considerably more meat content in this kebab than pretty much most kebabs I've reviewed at this point, barring the Madras Cottage madness.

The tremendous displays of meaty shish cubes - the meat looked like one of the finest displays I'd ever witnessed in a babbery and put many others to shame.

The pita bread was probably the only thing that let this kebab down - it was hard, tough and felt as though it had been partially left out overnight. I came to conclude that this would likely have been the case because I was probably the first person of the day to have ordered a kebab -it's an experience I'm well acquainted with. I find it hard to believe that staff here would be unable to prepare a pita bread as a general standard and for that reason, I am going to disregard the dodgy pita on this occasion but if it was to happen consistently, I will update this review but I hope that such a thing is unlikely.

On the subject of staff, this place has without doubt, the nicest staff in any Edinburgh kebab shop I've ever visited. Whilst I was tearing deep into this bab, one of the kind staff members dumped a few more chunks of their delicious doner on my kebab -this has never happened to me and it gave me the impression that these guys really care about how they treat their customers - not many people really say that about Marmaris on South Clerk Street for example. The staff even went on to introduce themselves to me and asked me my name too; don't worry though, my pseudonym was not discussed. The staff were also really humble and didn't have the bravado of a place that had been nominated for the British Kebab Awards; the chap from OBK could really learn a lot from these guys. They also gave me free reign of their chilli sauce too, that was great and it reminded me of when I was charged for extra sauce by the guy from OBK.

Whilst I was satisfying my appetite for doner, I witnessed a fellow on first name terms with the staff buying a doner wrap. It was probably close to twice the size of the OBK wrap offering. I observed how the wrap bread was cooked from scratch and placed in a 12-inch pizza tray, covering it in entirety. I also witnessed in abhorrence how the customer then requested brown sauce on his kebab - what a disgusting man! It was at that point I decided that when I returned, I would most certainly be enjoying a Javit wrap. It's beautifully designed architecture, so divine to the eye - I decided then that in the coming days, I would visit the sister babbery in Granton - I would have to wait two days before I could rekindle my deepest desires for kebab perfection.

I took the number 19 out to Granton, it took around 45 minutes on a crisp Sunday and when I got there, the place was a hive of activity - these guys were doing great business. There were around eight members of staff behind the various counters and there were customers waiting in the seated area of the takeaway. The takeaway itself, from the outside looks exceptional; there's a hint of 1950's America with it's big chrome thick-set signage, huge glass panel windows displaying a café style liveliness you don't get in many babberies outwith the rush at 02:45 when the revellers are starting to deplete. Everything about this place is shiny, it's clearly a very tightly run operation.

...served looking very much looking like the phallic beast of Gilmerton two days prior.

Observing the displays, the meat fillets did not look as wholesome as those on display at JGil, they looked considerably less impressive and you could tell instantly that the meat being used for the shish kebabs was not as high a quality as the meat in JGil. It reminded me of the chefs words in JGil - he said how he always purchased the highest end meat being sold by his supplier. He also told me that his doner meat was not made in-house but supplied from Glasgow and at great cost - he would always ask for the most expensive rotation and all this is apparent when one looks at the display offerings in many other babberies around the country.

When I ordered, I noticed that the Granton eatery was generally 50 pence cheaper on most things - I assumed I was getting a slight bargain. Again, the same procedure as JGil seemed to be taking place: the wrap was made from scratch; placed in the oven in a 12-inch pizza pan; topped up to complete capacity with mammoth helpings of doner sustenance; topped again with the finest salad in the kebab family; lathered at immense volume with red chilli sauce with a slighter helping of a tangy sister salad sauce; wrapped tight with it's content seeping through the thin bread base but not enough to destruct this architectural marvel and wrapped in two layers of paper and served looking very much looking like the phallic beast of Gilmerton two days prior.

As I sat down on one of the plentiful chairs I gazed in supreme delight at the monument before me - this was going to be great! I bit into the top of the kebab slowly due to the delicate nature of the operation and I was slightly underwhelmed - this was not the same product being sold in JGil. The meat was good but it never had the textural quality of it's sister operation; the chilli sauce was quite unremarkable - though it had nice chunks of vegetables within, it never had that ginger kick that made JGil such a force to be reckoned with. As I started to slowly unpack the wrap, the kebab was still keeping itself together but mainly due to my experience in handling such foodstuffs - the sauces were getting everywhere though. As I polished it off, I was aware that I had eaten a pretty decent kebab, it was gigantic, it was also quite well priced but I couldn't help but feel it was generally unremarkable. Perhaps if I had tried JGra first, I might have a had a different opinion but I fear I may not have bothered to venture out to JGil if I had. One thing was for certain though - I was not going to eat another morsel that day whatsoever.

There's a disparity that can't be ignored. As far as I'm concerned, when doner in considered, JGil with it's understated and humble exterior outfoxes JGra in almost every way - all it needs is a table and two seats. Now, if only I never realised that there is also a Javits in Wester Hailes, seemingly paying tribute to Team Fortress 2.

Verdict:

Javits of Gilmerton - 9/10

 

Javits of Granton - 7/10

Large Doner Kebab, Ali Baba Kebabs, Dalry Road

Offering: Large Doner Kebab

Establishment: Ali Baba Kebabs, Edinburgh

Date and time: 26th February 2017, 16:27

Price: £5.50

Seating: Around 7 seats and 2 tables


After the many accolades it received in the British Kebab Awards of 2017, I decided it was time to revisit Ali Baba Kebabs. That's right, this wasn't my first time walking through that wooden interior - I had been there a some years ago when I was working at nights in Corstorphine. It was around that time I also took my first trip to Lazeez, in fact, these visits were likely made days apart. My memory of the first trip was that the staff member - a Middle-Eastern man was incredibly friendly and personable. The Kebab at the time was pretty good but not exceptional but I ended up eating at Lazeez a lot more due to its general comparative quality.

Not much has changed in Ali Baba Kebabs; the quaint decor is still there, the Middle Eastern man still serves various food-stuffs from what seems like such a small takeaway but most of all, the quality on offer at this eatery is still fairly good too.When I asked for a large kebab, the sum of £5.50 seemed a little overboard for the container it was served in, however all fears were allayed when I opened the kebab sitting at it the seats of this joint. It was a sufficiently packed pita with all of the fine salad offerings one would come to expect from a doner. One thing I tend to avoid when going bab-deep is the insistence of cucumbers in a doner; they just don't add anything to the whole experience in my opinion. In a tuna sandwich, I would happily eat cucumbers but pretty much in any other circumstance, other than in raita sauces, cucumber just seems like a waste of time.

...that sauce tasted almost exactly like the chilli sauce you find in frozen doner kebabs...

First impressions of the chilli sauce is that it has a really smooth texture - not the thick, lumpy cut up vegetable textured stuff that usually signals the best of kebab chilli sauces. When I combined a cut of the meat with the salad, the first thing that hit me was the fact that sauce tasted almost exactly like the chilli sauce you find in frozen doner kebabs that you might get in Iceland - that's not too bad a thing though, in fact, I really liked and found it somewhat charming but I felt it was a tad sweet and not really that hot. There's also a nice tangy salad dressing, the typical creamy brown type that you might be accustomed to at times like these. The meat was really decent too - perhaps better than the likes of  Pasha but Pasha does seem to have a more consistent product in many ways. The meat tasted really satisfying though and there's something quite distinct about this kebab that you don't find in many kebabs in Edinburgh - I can't really put my finger on on it but suffice to say, once you have a doner here, it just scratches an itch that many other babs can't reach.

Upon the almighty lift, the pita bread holds up perfectly - it's really soft and doesn't have that toasty crisp that the Pasha pita bread had. The size of this kebab is also really good for the price; OK, it's no Madras  Cottage but when you consider that Topkapi are offering what is obviously a smaller product at £1.50 more, you find that this pretty good value. Perhaps the worst thing about Ali Baba is that Lazeez is around 5 minutes walk away and whilst it doesn't charge too much for its offering, the size difference is considerably noticeable - Ali Baba gives a far bigger bab but the kebab in Lazeez is tastier.

Are you visiting from a nearby town and hoping to pop on the train? That's where Ali Baba really shines. Picture yourself with ten minutes to go before your train is due, a mere stones throw away from Haymarket train station - you can run for a large kebab with all the trimmings and be a mere one minute late for the last train home, but it doesn't matter - you've got a large Ali Baba doner to keep you warm throughout the night and you can't get that at Waverly Station!

Verdict: 7/10

Doner Kebab, Pizza Paradise (George IV Bridge), Edinburgh

Offering: Doner Kebab

Establishment: Pizza Paradise, Edinburgh (George IV Bridge)

Date and time: 24th January 2017, 16:23

Price: £4.90 (Concessions)

Seating: Over 15 seats

For quite a considerable time, in 2013 I would visit Pizza Paradise during my then 20 minute lunch break for a nice slice of the their delicious pizza. It was a rich affair, 6 days a week I would wire into this £1.90 lunch time treat, and if the mood was fitting I would order doubles. After some time I felt I could no longer carry on such an unhealthy obsession and by then my work circumstances had changed and suddenly I was treated like a normal human being with an hour long lunch slot. I do still go into this fine establishment but often for their reasonably priced burger and chips, and just as a treat.

In those dark days, the bespectacled football obsessed chap running the show would only serve pizza, burgers, pakoras and a few other casual treats - it wasn't until 2015 that these guys bought the real nutrition to the game. That's right, they only started to serve the rotating feast a few years ago and it resulted in the house prices in the area sky-rocketing. Grown men were bought to tears, they divorced their spouses for they had witnessed one of the greatest moments in Pizza Paradise history!

Much esteemed city mayor, Donald Wilson was the first person to tuck into Pizza Paradises pleasurable slithers of lamb in 2015.

It would be 2017 when I would get round to enjoying one of their doner offerings and may I say, it was an experience worth undertaking. When I go for a doner, one of the main attractions is usually a feisty, spicy and not overly sweet chilli sauce. There was none of that on offer today. In fact, the doner served was seriously lacking in spice. If you get upset by doner kebabs not having a hot chilli sauce then Edinburgh, let alone Pizza Paradise is not the place for you. If you can however deal with a seriously mild and creamy kebab - almost as if it was tailored to Polish tastes, the Pizza Paradise wrap (they don't do pita breads) is going to be an enjoyable practise. The creaminess of this doner is probably it's biggest characteristic so I would advise that if that's something you're not into - it's well within your right to withhold the garlic sauce. Be warned though, you might not be in for the most flavoursome orgy.

It is a small offering though it's not particularly expensive if you work nearby you can ask for a concession. At £5.50, I would be slightly disappointed but at £4.90 (the price I paid), it is an economical choice. The size would be complimented with the choice of some chips on the side, this would definitely give this kebab a higher mark - unfortunately, they would only offer an entire portion of chips and charge you full price for that portion which to me seems a bit greedy for all involved parties.

There was a salad surprise in this kebab - a sliced gherkin! This is the first time I've had a gherkin in a doner and it adds a certain revered crisp not normally associated with the doner salad family. Normally, a pickled chilli would be considered a standard accompaniment and it would be devoured with passion however the gherkin added a slightly contradictory associate. Some may find it the true fore bearer to the pickled chilli pepper but I think the gherkin would have worked better in a spicy kebab and not one so mild. It was however still a pleasing and rare addition and I'm glad that there are establishments thinking outside the box, albeit ever so slightly.

This kebab is slightly smaller that the offering in Zenobia. It is also quite comparable in quality, from the bread to the meat. The meat tasted almost identical to Zenobia, save for the savoury cheese style seasoning. This kebab never had the oily green chilli sauce that's a main feature to the Zenobia offering either. The bread on this kebab was really nice and soft though - it was toasted but it didn't contain the crisp associated with the khobz wrap bread.

If you go into Pizza Paradise often enough, the staff do remember you and this is always a great indication of service.

When it comes down to it though, the doner in Pizza Paradise is not the finest offerings in Edinburgh. It's maybe just a bit too small for most people to be fully satisfied. It is a tasty dish though but it's underwhelming chilli might cause a riot one day.

Verdict: 6/10

 

*Please note, this Pizza Paradise is not the same as the eatery on South Bridge, that Pizza Paradise doesn't serve the quality of the GIVB establishment and, in my opinion isn't really worth visiting. 

Doner Kebab, Bobby's Café, Edinburgh

Offering: Doner Kebab

Establishment: Bobby's Café, Edinburgh

Date and time: 9th of January 2017, 17:32

Price: £5.50

Seating: Over 20 chairs


During the heat of the Fringe last year, a mysterious man would sit on a tall seat outside Greyfriars Bobby's Bar and just a stones throw away from Pizza Paradise. He was holding a sign, directing people towards the small downhill street called Candlemaker Row. It was there, almost adjacent to yet strangely below the greenery of Pizza Paradise a new establishment had graced our historic streets: Bobby's Cafe had just been realised. Named after a story about a dog that enjoyed taking a routine dump at the same poor bastards grave; there are many nearby establishments cashing in on this complete shit-show of a yarn but the newer these establishments are, the less forgiving I feel towards them. Nevertheless, after trying a pretty average pizza there around September, I returned early this year to sample what would prove to be a surprisingly decent affair - their doner kebab! 

A swift but close inspection of their display revealed a peculiar familiarity; I asked the small, thin Arabic fellow if this establishment was run by the chaps responsible for Yum Yums -  to which the teenager from the back of the seating area replied that the supplier for Yum Yums was the same as Bobby's. I was disappointed. You see, Yum Yums is great - the ingredients are fresh, the displays are pretty, the soup is great, the kofte kebabs, the chicken  and so on are excellent! Even the prices are really, really good - the problem though is that their doner is really quite bland. I turned to the teenager once more, his concern visible as I looked into his eyes, distraught - 'what about the doner?' I asked, to which he replied, that the doner was different as the type Bobby's had was stored in a container and not rotated on a spit with the gas turned up - i.e, the traditional way. My relief was probably visible but I was still unconvinced - you see, the great Lazeez also appear to not have a doner on rotational display but their doner is dynamite - what would I make of Bobbys?

I witnessed the kebab in creation; a pitta bread was placed inside the oven and what looked like a 10-inch pizza tray full of cold doner meat accompanying it. After a few minutes, the chef asked what sort of salad I would like - this was really the kind of variety any babbery should at least offer their patrons - shredded lettuce, red cabbage, sparse thinly cut bell peppers, jalapeños and tomatoes. There was a glaring absence of onions though, this is a vital mistake as no babbery should violate such a basic law of kebab salad but it was just about made up for with the variety in the salad.

When the small box was handed to me, I was also a little bit concerned that the size was going to be insufficient - they don't serve a range of sizes, just the standard size. At £5.50, this was averagely priced and comparable with many of the babberies in the area. As I sat down on the understated and slightly grubby eating area, I noticed what a clean looking kebab experience I was about to have - all the contents of the kebab and the way it was stuffed reminded me of Topkapi - the structural integrity of the doner was sound. Additionally, it would appear that there was a greater meaty content in this kebab than the Topkapi one and 150p was saved in the process.

...a pitta bread was placed inside the oven and what looked like a 10-inch pizza tray full of cold doner meat accompanying it.

All looked well as I wired in, I sampled the chilli - its meagre lashings felt lacking. The garlic sauce, it's thickness unquestionable and it's strength understated like the many before it. There was nothing overwhelming about this doner but I was feeling its presence was comforting indeed. I sampled the meat and it was far superior to Yum Yums doner, even better than Cappadocia. An interesting feature of it was it's slights chars at the end - this added a pleasant crispiness to it's texture. In some places, whenever I have experienced this it has been overdone - dry after being reheated on a charcoal grill, often a complete and utter disappointment but here it is a masterclass - think of it as adding small nachos dispersed within the kebab, a very rare experience and all the more richer for it. I was also assured that the meat of the matter was indeed lamb. It probably was quite processed considering their methodology, however it tasted relatively pure.

As I polished off those final morsels, I was pleasantly surprised how my trip to this establishment ended up. Yes, Bobby was not top of the league, heck Bobby was barely contending for a spot in Europe but think Leicester City 2017 rather than 2016 - they know their place and they're happy enough to occupy it and so are their clientele, probably.

Verdict: 7/10

Super Donner, Madras Cottage, Edinburgh

Offering: Super Donner

Establishment: Madras Cottage, Edinburgh

Date and time: 24th December 2016, 19:27

Price: £4.80

Seating: N/A (collected and having never entered the new premises)

There are two types of people in this world: those that like their doner by the size and those that like their doner by quality. I as I'm sure you're aware fall into the latter group - I do value size but I think its important to value price and quality a little bit over size. My father though, he's a man that like the get 'bang for his buck' so to speak. As a result, for years he has enjoyed a gigantic doner kebab from the infamous Madras Cottage. Some years ago, the Cottage used to be situated by the Marionville roundabout and was heavily frequented by my father and I. It has since moved to Piershill after a dispute with the owners of the premises regarding rent left the Cottagers seeking pastures a-new. Despite this move, the quality of their offerings has remained consistent, this standard has remained the same. As always, this review will aim to explore that standard.

In most places, when you ask for the large doner, you very rarely get handed a 10 inch pizza box stuffed full of a gigantic double-sized naan bread, dark wide slithers of doner meat packed to capacity and enough chilli sauce to seep through the cardboard box. What more, if you did receive such a delectable feast, you would expect it to cost north of £10, not south of five. In Madras Cottage you get all of these things. I am sensing your reaction and it's either one of two - you're wondering when this heavenly sounding place opens so you can buy 2 and freeze one for later or, and in my mind more importantly, you are asking yourself what the catch is. This review aims to cater for both of these thought processes.

Once you place the box down on the table and rip the sellotape off and lift that pizza box open, you are greeted with what looks like a large sandwich - once you lift the top half of the bread and witness the sheer volume of content you tend to feel overwhelmed. Upon closer inspection, you do notice quite a large amount of white cabbage in the salad and not only it is really chunky, it's fairly hard too. In fact, the white cabbage is pretty much what make up the vast bulk of the accompanying salad - there is almost no lettuce and even less onions - this salad is a disaster - there are no tomatoes, no jalapenos, no peppers, no carrots and barely even cucumbers (the Eamon Holmes of the salad world) - there was no chance of any coriander or even a zingy little dressing. What's that you say? OK, I gather that it was £4.80 and a week's feast for some people.

 

. . . around two and a half times the size of the Kebab Mahal offering - just to put things into perspective for you.

The chilli sauce is more a sweet sauce, it has no bite at all really and seems seriously overloaded with sugar. There is no salad sauce. I've never had a kebab with salad sauce from the Madras Cottage, they clearly don't serve a salad sauce. Yes, I heard you - 4.80! I know, at this rate I should just buy my own sauces and salad from a better kebab shop and disperse it over the contents of this creation; it'll still cost less than a coffee and a slice of cake.

And this is the part you have probably all been waiting for, the meat of this kebab tastes like it's a mixture of lamb and one or two other things. It does taste heavily processed though but I do suspect that there is some mutton content and maybe even some beef and/or turkey content too. If you see above, the menu also fails to explain what exactly this meat is made of, preferring to describe itself simply as "donner". It tastes pretty decent considering its ambiguity. It doesn't taste all that distinctive though, pretty boringly seasoned and a bit on the bland side, it is however a very salty tasting kebab - I imagine it contains way more than the recomended daily salt intake for the average person. It is because of meat like this though that all those world weary, health conscious, perspicacious types are critical of our beloved babs - you know the type; the kind of person that ridicules you for your doner offering whilst taking a bite of their rank looking sausage!

The naan bread is pretty decent, incredibly large, though maybe a little too small for an even distribution of its delightful toppings but it is £4.80. It's a thick naan too, not really much like the naan from Kebab Mahal. This kebab is also around two and a half times the size of the Kebab Mahal offering - just to put things into perspective for you.

This kebab could easily be shared between 2-3 people and if you buy it and consume it all yourself then I salute you. I will also call A & E. Because this kebab was collected by my father, I was not in a position to ask if they made the chilli sauce themselves and similarly, I was in no position to see if there was any seating area in the premises.

I will give you my verdict: the kebab is £4.80. At this price, you really can't go too far wrong as someone is bound to be impressed by the sheer magnitude of this monsterously sized doner! With this in mind, I am going to award it an above average score, however, if you are like my father and value quantity over quality, I reccomend you add four marks (Marx?) to my verdict. Either way, everyone should try this kebab - take it as a gift; bring it to your Bar Mitzvahs; take it instead of grapes to the hospital or why not bribe the police?

Verdict: 6/10

Kebab Mahal, Edinburgh

Offering: Naan King Doner

Establishment: Kebab Mahal, Edinburgh

Date and time: 31st December 2016, 15:02

Price: £5.99

Seating: Around 20 seats and 6 tables, often a waiting time.


Like Lazeez, Kebab Mahal is one of those places that has been around for decades, it looks basic from the outside and but you can tell how well loved it is by the hustle and bustle of the passing and repeat custom it receives. Often, people who enter the doors know the owner by name and this is usually a good indication that if the place was not here, it would be sorely missed. Also like Lazeez, the interior of this place is so understated that many people would never give it a second thought or would be put off by the lack of sophistication - those people probably eat entire pizzas with a knife and fork. The awards on display at the far wall are a telling sign; this place spends it's money on the food rather the decor.

I had to stop coming here for a while. Not because I wasn't a fan of the food - au contraire; the owner and his son knew exactly what I wanted every time I walked through that old-fashioned door: the Naan King Doner (that's what I like to call it, it really rolls off the tongue). I felt slight embarrassment that I had become so predictable and that I had been coming so frequently, I decided I would not have a doner from Kebab Mahal for a good six or so months. On the tail end of the year, I returned only to be greeted by the bearded owner with my order known in advance and told to me before I had uttered a word, almost as if the owner was looking at a clock and spoke the time - I couldn't escape it - they knew everything; the extra chilli, the extra onions, the slight splash of yogurt sauce! It would take much longer than only six months before they would ever forget my order. I really don't know whether this would be impressive if I was to attend to a kebab with company; would my friends be impressed? more than likely, they would joke that I was too deeply entrenched in the doner underworld and that there was now no turning back.

As I sat down on one of the round tables, I asked the garcon for his finest, most delectable of table waters to which he assisted in large jug accompanied by a small glass tumbler. The service was, as usual quite speedy, the fresh naan arrived with a chunky topping of doner meat and a sparse yet simple salad consisting of all the usual suspects but with an added yet often overlooked compadre - white cabbage.  Often enough, red cabbage is the desired accompaniment of the cabbage family, however in this particular establishment white cabbage seems to be considered amongst the penultimate items that deliver a higher state of doner consciousness. I don't completely disagree. I do however prefer red cabbage. Red cabbage feels like it can be overloaded in a kebab and it would not usually ruin it however, I've found that when the same happens with its white counterpart, it can feel far too crowded a kebab and must be shredded to thinner pieces. Another seriously enjoyable aspect of the red cabbage is the fact that it often comes soaked in a pickle vinegary liquid, similar to the jalapenos juice - a very desirable liquid indeed but this liquid, this liquid is not here as we have fresh white cabbage. Instead, the entire salad is soaked in a zingy lemon dressing, it really brings a captivating succulence to the entire experience.

...when the chilli sauces are having their way for you, make room for the captivating yogurt supremo!

The lady in red, lumpy and thick with it's chunks and probably slightly dry when compared to its sistren sauces; it contains a burn comparable to that of Original Best Kebab House.  There is a sister in red too; a sweeter, runnier affair. Whist the lady is quite an intense vinegar heavy condiment, the sister is way less dominant and lets her sibling take over as the main attraction.

And when it all becomes too much, when the chilli sauces are having their way for you, make room for the captivating yogurt supremo! Your stimulated taste buds will be cooled by it's creamy, runny coriander touch.

The doner meat has been cut medium to thin, think about as thick as Marmaris but not as wide cuts. This meat also extremely heavy, settles in your stomach like the meat of a burger and I'm certain that it is entirely beef, this is also ensured by the texture that tastes much more dense rather than the floatier, lighter taste of lamb. The meat has been seasoned to a medium spiciness but with the added density of the beef, the spiciness appears to be amplified.

The naan bread was fresh, warm and thick. It had all the delightful air bubbles that give it a wispy, soft texture. A grand companion to it's splendid content.

As I finish polishing off this fine feast, I look to the wall to my right and tell myself the same thing I do every time I come here after looking at the numerous awards indicated: I must one day get a curry here and one day I will but until the very charming owner forgets my order upon entry, I feel I really can't challenge the man.

Verdict: 8/10

Medium Lamb Doner Kebab, Turkish Carry Out, Edinburgh

Offering: Medium Doner Kebab

Establishment: Turkish Carry Out, Easter Road, Edinburgh

Date and time: 3rd December 2016 16:32

Price: £5.50

Seating: 4 chairs, 2 tables

For quite some considerable time, in around 2008 I turned a bad habit into an absurd hobby - to grab a pizza or kebab shortly after midnight. You see, times were tough - I wasn't working full time and had very few active interests at that point in my life. I was however interested in daily doner from the Turkish Carry Out, it was a long enough walk away for me to feel as though I'd done something productive with my evening but God knows, I was just fooling myself - the kebab wasn't all that. After one too many disappointing kebabs, I turned my back never to return. I was especially put off by a huge amount of charred doner meat I found in my kebab, this piece consisted of around 40% of the actual meat portion in the kebab; I was disappointed and said my goodbyes.

When I returned after seven or so years, I noticed that times had changed; the establishment was now twice the size, they had bought up the premises next door and knocked down various walls, they now served an array of fried foods, foods associated with chip shops, deep fried and displayed in a glass metal counter - aka: heart attack food!

To the left, the familiar man, thin metal glasses, dark, clean shaven, quite short and neutral expression; the type of man that had carved doner for most of his adult life. He was silent. He knew I had returned but he never let on. After ordering my large doner kebab, I sat at the table by the window and admired the spicy onions - I could smell the mint from their sauce and I thought how I never remembered this accompaniment all those years ago - such a delightful touch, the kind no kebab should be without. That was my thinking before I tucked into this devilish delight.

I was also in awe of the size of the box. I always think that when the box is this big, the kebab has to be big enough too as no self-respecting babbery would allow their kebab to be dwarfed by a large box - why would you? So that every customer feels robbed? It just wouldn't make sense.

I lifted the fork and and pressed it deep into the ridges of the thin lamb shavings before me. The lamb was tough, it had developed a slight dryness as it had been rotating for so long without being cut, it wasn't too bad though - it did have a very pronounced peppery taste. I thought how this was something I could get used to.

The slithers were so thin, they made the contents of the pita seem deceptive.

This was something that I missed. As I carried on de-mystifying this doner, I started to sample the salad, starting with those beautiful looking onions, I lifted them to my mouth and was overwhelmed with the mint in a sweet red sauce - what is this? I expected a hot, chilli spicy sauce with minty overtones, not a sweet minty one! It was around this time that the dream took a sharp twist. I again looked at the doner meat, I scrambled some on a fork and it was peppery. Overwhelmingly peppery. The slithers were so thin, they made the contents of the pita seem deceptive. There wasn't much in there at all, it was all being bulked up by thinly structured doner meat. I thought, what the hell, get some of that sauce on there - the chilli sauce tasted of very little - it was extremely mild, again it looked great but this kebab was the equivalent of staring at the cake displays of Patisserie Valerie. It looked incredible but the more I eat, just like the ubiquitous cake shop, the more the illusion was shattered.

Amazed at the large chilli peppers that accompanied this dish, I shovelled all the salad into the deceptive pita - I thought this would would the true judge of it's character, this moment, the moment of truth - the lift. I took one great big bite for mankind, my face covered in the white of the garlic dressing. I was immediately disappointed. I was overwhelmed with bread - the doner meat itself was far too thin to have made any impact and it lead to the complete absence of satisfaction. I did taste the mint from those spicy onions, the big peppers that accompanied this kebab, the mildly peppery sauce but there was no depth. The bread, whilst soft was also soggy steamed up - this was not a great combination but would not have annoyed me too much had it not been for how thin and deceptive the whole experience was. I'm not sure I would return any time soon - this looks like it's for the pub-goers next door and not your average kebab connoisseur.

Verdict: 5/10

Large Doner Kebab, Marmaris, Edinburgh

Offering: Large Doner Kebab

Establishment: Marmaris Kebab House (South Clerk St.), Edinburgh

Date and time: 21st November 2016, 19:34

Price: £7.50

Seating: Over 20 simple seats

There comes a time when when despite how good the food of an establishment is, if the service received is so underwhelming, it automatically has an effect on how you perceive their doner. If you go somewhere and find that they have very little value for the customer and appear to consider the customer to be a nuisance to their day-to-day lives, you may ask yourself 'Well, how good is the doner there anyway? is it really worth having to face staff members that consider you beneath them?' - this is my experience of Marmaris Kebab House.

I don't want you to be alarmed. It's not like every person behind the counter in Marmaris threatens you with a kebab skewer as soon as you greet them but there are definitely a few issues with the attitude of the staff and they need addressing if they want to reverse the bad feeling against them. If you don't believe me, just take a look at the Trip Advisor comments where you will find various users accusing the staff of discrimination to outright violence. I no longer wish to go into too much detail about the staff as whilst my experience of them has been unsatisfactory, I have thankfully never experienced any violence.

An especially great aspect of their kebabs is the presentation. Looking at the photo above, I feel that their plate set up and accompanying sauce bowls are truly a thing of beauty. It's not always that you can say that about lamb doner either; many people I've known are turned off by the fact that the average doner kebab is hardly a feast to their inexperienced anti-kebabist eyes. It could also be argued though that those people are snobs and barely qualify as people and that they should not be allowed to vote.

The experience of pouring your sauce on the thin curved lamb slithers also adds a ceremonial sense to this occasion. The salad is very appealingly cut, in nice small pieces and all the usual suspects are present, they seem to have been lightly dressed in a lemon juice and combined with finely chopped coriander. Oh, what's this? fried potato sticks, of a previously frozen nature? Why not? I never expected to see you rear your respectable head in this neck of the woods. All this would be a masterclass in doner accompaniments had it nor been for the fact that it's just too much gimmicks and not enough doner! Taking a look at the photos and you find that salad and chips take up around two thirds to a half of the actual plate - I never asked for this!

I just wanted a large doner kebab, a nice big portion of meat, stuffed in pita bread with salad and sauce. What I got was a bleak look into the motivations of stingy kebab seller.

The chips are nothing special, they seem to just take up space and if they weren't there, they would not be sorely missed...

You can really tell the plentiful vegetable content of the chilli sauce when you begin to pour and see it land on the meat as it begins to separate into the smaller curvatures of the doner. There are also bottles of tangy salad sauce at every table in this establishment and if you're a bit strange, you can add some vinegar and so forth. Whilst the sauce adds a decent level of moistness to the meat, there isn't really a great deal of flavour - there is a tang but there is not much else at all, quite disappointing.

The chips are nothing special, they seem to just take up space and if they weren't there, they would not be sorely missed - fewer chips and more meat would be a step in the right direction. I'm not so sure I like having to fill the pita bread up with the doner and salad either, it seems like quite a task when presented like this, it will inevitably lead to a smaller filled kebab too as you will likely worry about getting it's contents on you and you will probably play it safe, just like I did - eating the rest of the meat without it's bread companion is not as satisfying.

The doner meat is good, its well seasoned and the quality can be compared to Topkapi but it still falls short of their standard. I will say though, the seasoning of the Marmaris meat is far better than Topkapi.

For all its pomp, for all it's grandiose presentation and it's plentiful seats, it's early opening hours and it's weekday lunchtime special prices, the Marmaris doner falls short for it suffers from stingy portions and sub-par sauce. To add insult to injury, I was charged more than I expected - Marmaris do not charge you the fee shown on their menu board if you choose to sit in. They don't clarify this on their menu board either; you can't help but feel a little bit stung by their staff members upon the sit-in visit. For this quantity and quality, it just isn't worth it.

Verdict: 6/10