Doner Kebab, Moratti, Edinburgh

Offering: Doner Kebab

Establishment: Moratti, Edinburgh

Date and time:  23rd September 2018, 01:55

Price: £4.80

Seating: 2 basic tables 2 or 3 chairs and a side table with no chairs.


In this ultra competitive doner environment, one can easily overlook establishments of great repute. This might occur when an inn is so understated and in such a location that when passing, you are busy to-ing and fro-ing God knows where. Oftentimes, such an establishment has the most inconvenient opening hours that its easy to think that the place in question has long gone out of business as its rarely a thought or considered a viable option. Such a place exists in the Cowgate. Its called Moratti.

Owned and operated by Arabs* (like most don zones!), Moratti has been an understated champion for at least thirteen or so years but likely many more. I first visited Moratti in around 2005 and I remember ordering a pizza; the delightful crust and the right amount of grease to give the experience that full fat flavour.

Other reasons this place barely features on anyone's radar is also because it appears to be a two-man operation; they don't do deliveries. Its also situated exactly where the Cowgate stops getting much footfall. You know the place. It's where the new buildings start. You only ever go down there if you're A: new in town and want to see what's down there, maybe visit Dynamic Earth, B: been chucked out of a club, pished oot yer tits and want to forget about it all with some good old fashioned seclusion or C: a student wanker that stays in one of those horrible new builds. Still, there was not much else down that way other than some formerly affordable housing.

In fact, kebabs should only ever come in one size and that size, sizable.

The service here is always friendly - every time I've visited, I've been struck by how pleasant the man behind the counter is. His curiosity always piques when he sees an unfamiliar face and engages in a gentle discussion on doner warfare. Oddly, there always seems to be an abundance of American visitors to this eatery - every time I enter there are friendly Americans, usually students waiting to chow down delights rare in their homeland.

The kebab comes in only one size - its not gigantic but it is substantial. In fact, kebabs should only ever come in one size and that size sizable. A lot of places charge you north of five quid for a few slithers of their carved meat and send you on their way whereas most places that do only one size tend to leave you satisfied with their portions at least.

Immediately I am disappointed by the salad on the side - this is a minor inconvenience. The default stance should be salad upon the meat, the meat inside the carbs. The sauce is very light, slightly tangy, tomato based but mostly not very hot. It's a like a Pole's idea of a spicy sauce. There was an option of youghurt based garlic sauce that I opted to omit, being more inclined to a tangy salad liquor but the bar was dry. The meat had a satisfying moistness and a very delicate chew. As the evening progressed, the gradual lift was a monumental event, peaking at first bite the softness of the pita complimenting the slight sauce and the meaty collision. Whilst the salad was missing the more obvious suspects such as a red cabbage, its lighter leafed alternative seemed to fill the void nicely.

At a grand total of only £4.80, this doner kebab is the best you can get in the city centre, that is to say if your idea of the city centre does not extend to Dalry Road where you can get something rivaling this work of art in Lazeez. This price, this size makes this kebab a pilgrimage for Donerites in the city.

Verdict: 9/10

 

Adendum: It has come to my attention that the owner is Algerian but the charismatic carvers adding steel to the operation are in fact French-Italian and Dutch.

Large Doner Kebab, Uncle's, Edinburgh

Offering: Large Doner Kebab

Establishment: Uncle's Fish and Chips, George IV Bridge, Edinburgh

Date and time:  8th February 2017, 12:25

Price: £7.50 w/discount

Seating: 20+ comfy and spacious seats, café set up

I've been scoping this area for a number of years now and during the first few months, Uncle's Fish and Chips took over an additional unit next door and created a vast café space for itself, complete with comfy, bar-style seating. The presentation of this establishment is A+ - the pinnacle surroundings where a doner should be devoured. The problems though soon begin to show and they are not just salad deep...

Firstly, there was an odd situation communicating with the staff and trying to ascertain the suitable discount - the prices on display were for a 'shewarma wrap' but I asked for a doner kebab and was told it was more expensive than the shewarma which was priced at a respectable £5.80. In the end, with added local discount, I was a charged what seemed like a mammoth £7.50. If you ever decide to visit Marmaris during lunch hours for sitting in, you will be charged £6 - and the quantity of food served is easily a third greater. I was really shocked at the size of the kebab I received when it was placed in front of me - the main plate in Marmaris is easily the same size as the plate above but Uncle's is barely full, Marmaris almost entirely fills the plate and serves the pita bread separately! 

Having to suffer what seemed like a ridiculous fifteen minute wait and whilst there were people getting their take-aways, I was the sole person in the café area. This was easily the longest I have ever had to wait for a doner kebab.

...the yogurt sauce was thick and creamy, a bit of a highlight in an otherwise grim affair. The chilli was seriously forgettable...

Another bone of contention was that previously, I sent a spy to this establishment to report back with findings - I was told of beautiful things but mainly that chips would be served with my kebab. Looking back, there were no chips. They would have been warmly welcomed on such a naked plate too, particularly after the £7.50 anal expansion that I suffered as a result of sampling this 'fun-sized' mistake.

The meat was cut super thin and it felt very much like it was cut so thin on purpose so to give the impression that the kebab was bigger than it was but this kebab probably had the meat quantity of the legendary Lazeez (possibly even less), bearing in mind that they charge £4.95 and you can still plonk yer arse down on one of their many uncomfortable seats. Another thing worth noting is that the image shows absolutely zero meat actually inside the pita bread - all the meat you see is all you get and cut so thin like wood shavings, this is easily the stingiest doner I've ever had. The meat quality was reasonable though, in fact pretty decent, it was considerably better than your standard fare.

The sauces were fairly average, the yogurt sauce was thick and creamy, a bit of a highlight in an otherwise grim affair. The chilli was seriously forgettable. Other than the texture, the flavour and heat level was lacking and dull. Another interesting note was that I had to specifically ask for the chilli sauce; I only received the yogurt sauce initially and this was certainly a first as everyone and their Nan(n) knows that you would always get offered the chilli sauce over anything else when kebabbin' hard.

Whilst this kebab is photogenic, central and served in possibly the nicest environment in which you can eat a doner kebab in Edinburgh, the content and price point doesn't allow me to recommend it to anyone. Without a discount, this kebab must cost a shade below £10 and that's just horrendous! If you ever do come to Uncles, don't come for a kebab, but lets face it, what else you are you going to order? This kebab was aw fur coat and nae knickers.

Verdict: 4/10

Doner Kebab, Bobby's Café, Edinburgh

Offering: Doner Kebab

Establishment: Bobby's Café, Edinburgh

Date and time: 9th of January 2017, 17:32

Price: £5.50

Seating: Over 20 chairs


During the heat of the Fringe last year, a mysterious man would sit on a tall seat outside Greyfriars Bobby's Bar and just a stones throw away from Pizza Paradise. He was holding a sign, directing people towards the small downhill street called Candlemaker Row. It was there, almost adjacent to yet strangely below the greenery of Pizza Paradise a new establishment had graced our historic streets: Bobby's Cafe had just been realised. Named after a story about a dog that enjoyed taking a routine dump at the same poor bastards grave; there are many nearby establishments cashing in on this complete shit-show of a yarn but the newer these establishments are, the less forgiving I feel towards them. Nevertheless, after trying a pretty average pizza there around September, I returned early this year to sample what would prove to be a surprisingly decent affair - their doner kebab! 

A swift but close inspection of their display revealed a peculiar familiarity; I asked the small, thin Arabic fellow if this establishment was run by the chaps responsible for Yum Yums -  to which the teenager from the back of the seating area replied that the supplier for Yum Yums was the same as Bobby's. I was disappointed. You see, Yum Yums is great - the ingredients are fresh, the displays are pretty, the soup is great, the kofte kebabs, the chicken  and so on are excellent! Even the prices are really, really good - the problem though is that their doner is really quite bland. I turned to the teenager once more, his concern visible as I looked into his eyes, distraught - 'what about the doner?' I asked, to which he replied, that the doner was different as the type Bobby's had was stored in a container and not rotated on a spit with the gas turned up - i.e, the traditional way. My relief was probably visible but I was still unconvinced - you see, the great Lazeez also appear to not have a doner on rotational display but their doner is dynamite - what would I make of Bobbys?

I witnessed the kebab in creation; a pitta bread was placed inside the oven and what looked like a 10-inch pizza tray full of cold doner meat accompanying it. After a few minutes, the chef asked what sort of salad I would like - this was really the kind of variety any babbery should at least offer their patrons - shredded lettuce, red cabbage, sparse thinly cut bell peppers, jalapeños and tomatoes. There was a glaring absence of onions though, this is a vital mistake as no babbery should violate such a basic law of kebab salad but it was just about made up for with the variety in the salad.

When the small box was handed to me, I was also a little bit concerned that the size was going to be insufficient - they don't serve a range of sizes, just the standard size. At £5.50, this was averagely priced and comparable with many of the babberies in the area. As I sat down on the understated and slightly grubby eating area, I noticed what a clean looking kebab experience I was about to have - all the contents of the kebab and the way it was stuffed reminded me of Topkapi - the structural integrity of the doner was sound. Additionally, it would appear that there was a greater meaty content in this kebab than the Topkapi one and 150p was saved in the process.

...a pitta bread was placed inside the oven and what looked like a 10-inch pizza tray full of cold doner meat accompanying it.

All looked well as I wired in, I sampled the chilli - its meagre lashings felt lacking. The garlic sauce, it's thickness unquestionable and it's strength understated like the many before it. There was nothing overwhelming about this doner but I was feeling its presence was comforting indeed. I sampled the meat and it was far superior to Yum Yums doner, even better than Cappadocia. An interesting feature of it was it's slights chars at the end - this added a pleasant crispiness to it's texture. In some places, whenever I have experienced this it has been overdone - dry after being reheated on a charcoal grill, often a complete and utter disappointment but here it is a masterclass - think of it as adding small nachos dispersed within the kebab, a very rare experience and all the more richer for it. I was also assured that the meat of the matter was indeed lamb. It probably was quite processed considering their methodology, however it tasted relatively pure.

As I polished off those final morsels, I was pleasantly surprised how my trip to this establishment ended up. Yes, Bobby was not top of the league, heck Bobby was barely contending for a spot in Europe but think Leicester City 2017 rather than 2016 - they know their place and they're happy enough to occupy it and so are their clientele, probably.

Verdict: 7/10