Thursday, 7 September 2017

Large Doner Kebab, Uncle's, Edinburgh


Offering: Large Doner Kebab

Establishment: Uncle's Fish and Chips, George IV Bridge, Edinburgh

Date and time:  8th February 2017, 12:25

Price: £7.50 w/discount

Seating: 20+ comfy and spacious seats, café set up


I've been scoping this area for a number of years now and during the first few months, Uncle's Fish and Chips took over an additional unit next door and created a vast café space for itself, complete with comfy, bar-style seating. The presentation of this establishment is A+ - the pinnacle surroundings where a doner should be devoured. The problems though soon begin to show and they are not just salad deep...

Firstly, there was an odd situation communicating with the staff and trying to ascertain the suitable discount - the prices on display were for a 'shewarma wrap' but I asked for a doner kebab and was told it was more expensive than the shewarma which was priced at a respectable £5.80. In the end, with added local discount, I was a charged what seemed like a mammoth £7.50. If you ever decide to visit Marmaris during lunch hours for sitting in, you will be charged £6 - and the quantity of food served is easily a third greater. I was really shocked at the size of the kebab I received when it was placed in front of me - the main plate in Marmaris is easily the same size as the plate above but Uncle's is barely full, Marmaris almost entirely fills the plate and serves the pita bread separately! 

Having to suffer what seemed like a ridiculous fifteen minute wait and whilst there were people getting their take-aways, I was the sole person in the café area. This was easily the longest I have ever had to wait for a doner kebab.

...the yogurt sauce was thick and creamy, a bit of a highlight in an otherwise grim affair. The chilli was seriously forgettable...


Another bone of contention was that previously, I sent a spy to this establishment to report back with findings - I was told of beautiful things but mainly that chips would be served with my kebab. Looking back, there were no chips. They would have been warmly welcomed on such a naked plate too, particularly after the £7.50 anal expansion that I suffered as a result of sampling this 'fun-sized' mistake.

The meat was cut super thin and it felt very much like it was cut so thin on purpose so to give the impression that the kebab was bigger than it was but this kebab probably had the meat quantity of the legendary Lazeez (possibly even less), bearing in mind that they charge £4.95 and you can still plonk yer arse down on one of their many uncomfortable seats. Another thing worth noting is that the image shows absolutely zero meat actually inside the pita bread - all the meat you see is all you get and cut so thin like wood shavings, this is easily the stingiest doner I've ever had. The meat quality was reasonable though, in fact pretty decent, it was considerably better than your standard fare.

The sauces were fairly average, the yogurt sauce was thick and creamy, a bit of a highlight in an otherwise grim affair. The chilli was seriously forgettable. Other than the texture, the flavour and heat level was lacking and dull. Another interesting note was that I had to specifically ask for the chilli sauce; I only received the yogurt sauce initially and this was certainly a first as everyone and their Nan(n) knows that you would always get offered the chilli sauce over anything else when kebabbin' hard.

Whilst this kebab is photogenic, central and served in possibly the nicest environment in which you can eat a doner kebab in Edinburgh, the content and price point doesn't allow me to recommend it to anyone. Without a discount, this kebab must cost a shade below £10 and that's just horrendous! If you ever do come to Uncles, don't come for a kebab, but lets face it, what else you are you going to order? This kebab was aw fur coat and nae knickers.

Verdict: 4/10

Sunday, 3 September 2017

Bifteki House, Howard Street, Glasgow






Offering: Doner Kebab

Establishment: Bifteki House, Glasgow

Date and time:  14th March 2017, 13:26

Price: £4.80

Seating: 6 Seats, very small ledge table


In  the early spring of this year, the Doner Informer visited our beloved cousins in the west, the objective was plain and simple - sample the finest doner magic available in Scotland's so-called 
"friendliest city". Instead, we came across Bifteki - located a stones throw away from the handy Glasgow Central Station - I'm very much glad the city planners were visionary enough to build the railway so near the doner heartland.

On this landmark visit, I was accompanied by three colleagues who failed to appreciate the kind offerings by the very delightfully mannered Turkish chap running the operation and they abruptly left to visit some sort of overpriced burger bar with the suggestion that we would reconvene later.

The man behind the counter was a true joy, who knew that he was dealing with a man trained in the (sometimes) dark arts of doner critiquing and attempted (but failed) to bribe me with a small slithered sample of doner overtures before the main event! It was around then that I lectured the chap that my integrity could not be bought and sold. I was also suspecting that he had mercenaries following me, probably from as far away as Edinburgh. My fears were alleviated when the gentleman appeared confused yet unmoved by the vocal rejection of his bribe. It was around then that I realised that this chap was genuinely just trying to be friendly and offering a decent customer service.

...the chilli sauce was so sweet that it could have been diluted and sold as a chilli juice drink, so sickly was this sauce...



When the kebab arrived, I decided to take a seat on one of the uncomfortable high seats facing the wall at a small table - this wasn't the ideal environment but I was well aware that many of the finest doner institutions in Scotland don't even offer this privilege.

The kebab was presented with the accompanying plastic fork was dipped into the red, almost orange looking spicy sauce. It was sweet. In fact, the chilli sauce was so sweet that it could have been diluted and sold as a chilli juice drink, so sickly was this sauce. This was perhaps the sweetest sauce I'd ever sampled in a doner kebab and it was no good thing. I'm well aware that chilli sauces in kebabs should really not have a bitter taste to them, in order to maximise that chilli bite - its important that some sweetness must be used to give it that glorious bite we all know and love. One of the greatest errors that doner establishments make though (this is up there with making a sauce with no heat) is churning out a sauce that is not chilli at all but just sugar. If you were drinking a can of Irn Bru with this kebab, you would be giving yourself your allocated sugar serving as an adult for about a week. Not only this but this does not serve the kebab well at all.

There was no accompanying salad sauce, this establishment either doesn't serve it or it was finished when I visited. They did have a yoghurt sauce though but I declined on the basis that it would have attacked the spiciness that I intended (but failed) to taste in the chilli sauce.

The meat was really nothing to write home about (but here I am). It was seriously standard fare with very little distinctive features - you would be able to get this kebab from any city in the UK (perhaps minus the chilli diluting syrup).

Overall, Bifteki House is not a great kebab place - its an OK kebab place with very little to offer in a presumably competitive market in Glasgow. This operation, I suspect receives the crux of its custom from lesser discerning nearby construction workers and area drunks. The price point of this kebab is very good as the quantity was somewhat favourable, the product on offer though less so. I now look forward to the £2.50 doner kebab my father has been singing hymns about after his recently concluded Doner Tour of Scotland, sponsored by Homebase.

Verdict: 6/10

Wednesday, 29 March 2017

Battle of the Babs - Javits v Javits (v Javits)








Offering: Doner Kebab

Establishment: Javits (Gilmerton), Edinburgh (JGil)

Date and time:  10th March 2017, 16:27

Price: £6.50

Seating: No seats!











Offering: Doner Kebab Wrap

Establishment: Javits (Granton), Edinburgh (JGra)

Date and time: 12th March 2017, 17:08

Price: £7.00

Seating: Over 10 seats and 5 tables


For years now, I've heard the considerable fanfare behind the much acclaimed Javits eateries - their kebabs have been critically acclaimed by various media outlets as well as the kebab experts. There also appears to be a difference in the product being offered at these takeaways - in 2016 JGra was nominated in the Kebab Awards whereas in 2017, JGil received this particular accolade. This has lead me to consider that both of these establishments are perhaps serving a different product. I have however observed that they are indeed owned by the same person as one of the links above would clarify. One notable annoyance of these establishments, like the many all over the country is that they both open 4PM onwards - this doesn't make for the most convenient of reviews - adding to this is their distance from Edinburgh City Centre, however I do concede that both these are well catered for by the buses.


When I got off the number 29 bus at Gilmerton, I almost had a heart attack - from the outside, it looked as though my fears had been confirmed - there was not going to be a place in this eatery where I could sit and analyse this doner specimen. When I entered, I had feelings of doubt - I should jump back on a bus and just forget I ever tried Javits, it couldn't possibly be that great anyway, considering how far out of town it was. I spoke to the artisan's assistant, asking him if he would have a small chair whereby I could park myself and thus penetrate this kebab with the thrusting energy of a hundred hyenas feasting on a blue whale. Again, I was left disappointed but there was a solution, albeit a compromise - it was suggested that I use the chest-height counter as an analysis point to which I gladly complied as the photos above demonstrate. The lack of seating and distance from the city centre might put a doner seeker off, however if one perseveres in this case the toil is sure to pay off.

If anything, it is maybe only slightly disappointing that there is no whopping great big pickled chilli pepper on top - like the angel on a Christmas Tree.


Javits know what salad to serve with a kebab! There are no unnecessary cucumbers, the lettuce is finely cut, red cabbage too (it really is shocking when there's no red cabbage in a doner!) and thinly sliced onions. If anything, it is maybe only slightly disappointing that there is no whopping great big pickled chilli pepper on top - like the angel on a Christmas Tree.

I did ask for double helpings of chilli sauce and the chap behind the counter, Danny said that I'd love his sauce; usually I take such declarations with a pinch of salt but in earnest, this sauce was truly magic! Unlike any other chilli sauce I'd sampled before, the burn lies in the strong kick of ginger one feels as a latter after note. It has a thick, vegetable textured consistency, in common with the likes of Original Best Kebab House and Pasha -  but there's been no sauce that's really come close to have such a distinctive taste in Edinburgh, it really stands on its own and its a sauce that everyone needs to try, up there with the OBK sauce but for slightly different reasons.

The salad sauce was a more straight forward affair as usual. It was the tangy light brown common companions to those beastly meaty slithers.

The doner meat was one of the few doners I've tried where I instantly knew that it was seriously high quality. Most kebabs, even though they might be a solid 9, their meat takes an unremitting 40 second taste analysis; not the case with this - the quality hits you instantly and almost unlike any other bab I'd had before. There's a really chewy texture to these slices, not entirely different to Topkapi but a thinner cut and, I'd say higher quality - there's also considerably more meat content in this kebab than pretty much most kebabs I've reviewed at this point, barring the Madras Cottage madness.

The tremendous displays of meaty shish cubes - the meat looked like one of the finest displays I'd ever witnessed in a babbery and put many others to shame.


The pita bread was probably the only thing that let this kebab down - it was hard, tough and felt as though it had been partially left out overnight. I came to conclude that this would likely have been the case because I was probably the first person of the day to have ordered a kebab -it's an experience I'm well acquainted with. I find it hard to believe that staff here would be unable to prepare a pita bread as a general standard and for that reason, I am going to disregard the dodgy pita on this occasion but if it was to happen consistently, I will update this review but I hope that such a thing is unlikely.

On the subject of staff, this place has without doubt, the nicest staff in any Edinburgh kebab shop I've ever visited. Whilst I was tearing deep into this bab, one of the kind staff members dumped a few more chunks of their delicious doner on my kebab -this has never happened to me and it gave me the impression that these guys really care about how they treat their customers - not many people really say that about Marmaris on South Clerk Street for example. The staff even went on to introduce themselves to me and asked me my name too; don't worry though, my pseudonym was not discussed. The staff were also really humble and didn't have the bravado of a place that had been nominated for the British Kebab Awards; the chap from OBK could really learn a lot from these guys. They also gave me free reign of their chilli sauce too, that was great and it reminded me of when I was charged for extra sauce by the guy from OBK.

Whilst I was satisfying my appetite for doner, I witnessed a fellow on first name terms with the staff buying a doner wrap. It was probably close to twice the size of the OBK wrap offering. I observed how the wrap bread was cooked from scratch and placed in a 12-inch pizza tray, covering it in entirety. I also witnessed in abhorrence how the customer then requested brown sauce on his kebab - what a disgusting man! It was at that point I decided that when I returned, I would most certainly be enjoying a Javit wrap. It's beautifully designed architecture, so divine to the eye - I decided then that in the coming days, I would visit the sister babbery in Granton - I would have to wait two days before I could rekindle my deepest desires for kebab perfection.

I took the number 19 out to Granton, it took around 45 minutes on a crisp Sunday and when I got there, the place was a hive of activity - these guys were doing great business. There were around eight members of staff behind the various counters and there were customers waiting in the seated area of the takeaway. The takeaway itself, from the outside looks exceptional; there's a hint of 1950's America with it's big chrome thick-set signage, huge glass panel windows displaying a café style liveliness you don't get in many babberies outwith the rush at 02:45 when the revellers are starting to deplete. Everything about this place is shiny, it's clearly a very tightly run operation.

...served looking very much looking like the phallic beast of Gilmerton two days prior.


Observing the displays, the meat fillets did not look as wholesome as those on display at JGil, they looked considerably less impressive and you could tell instantly that the meat being used for the shish kebabs was not as high a quality as the meat in JGil. It reminded me of the chefs words in JGil - he said how he always purchased the highest end meat being sold by his supplier. He also told me that his doner meat was not made in-house but supplied from Glasgow and at great cost - he would always ask for the most expensive rotation and all this is apparent when one looks at the display offerings in many other babberies around the country.

When I ordered, I noticed that the Granton eatery was generally 50 pence cheaper on most things - I assumed I was getting a slight bargain. Again, the same procedure as JGil seemed to be taking place: the wrap was made from scratch; placed in the oven in a 12-inch pizza pan; topped up to complete capacity with mammoth helpings of doner sustenance; topped again with the finest salad in the kebab family; lathered at immense volume with red chilli sauce with a slighter helping of a tangy sister salad sauce; wrapped tight with it's content seeping through the thin bread base but not enough to destruct this architectural marvel and wrapped in two layers of paper and served looking very much looking like the phallic beast of Gilmerton two days prior.

As I sat down on one of the plentiful chairs I gazed in supreme delight at the monument before me - this was going to be great! I bit into the top of the kebab slowly due to the delicate nature of the operation and I was slightly underwhelmed - this was not the same product being sold in JGil. The meat was good but it never had the textural quality of it's sister operation; the chilli sauce was quite unremarkable - though it had nice chunks of vegetables within, it never had that ginger kick that made JGil such a force to be reckoned with. As I started to slowly unpack the wrap, the kebab was still keeping itself together but mainly due to my experience in handling such foodstuffs - the sauces were getting everywhere though. As I polished it off, I was aware that I had eaten a pretty decent kebab, it was gigantic, it was also quite well priced but I couldn't help but feel it was generally unremarkable. Perhaps if I had tried JGra first, I might have a had a different opinion but I fear I may not have bothered to venture out to JGil if I had. One thing was for certain though - I was not going to eat another morsel that day whatsoever.

There's a disparity that can't be ignored. As far as I'm concerned, when doner in considered, JGil with it's understated and humble exterior outfoxes JGra in almost every way - all it needs is a table and two seats. Now, if only I never realised that there is also a Javits in Wester Hailes, seemingly paying tribute to Team Fortress 2.

Verdict:


Javits of Gilmerton - 9/10

 

Javits of Granton - 7/10


Wednesday, 8 March 2017

Large Doner Kebab, Ali Baba Kebabs, Dalry Road





Offering: Large Doner Kebab

Establishment: Ali Baba Kebabs, Edinburgh

Date and time: 26th February 2017, 16:27

Price: £5.50

Seating: Around 7 seats and 2 tables



After the many accolades it received in the British Kebab Awards of 2017, I decided it was time to revisit Ali Baba Kebabs. That's right, this wasn't my first time walking through that wooden interior - I had been there a some years ago when I was working at nights in Corstorphine. It was around that time I also took my first trip to Lazeez, in fact, these visits were likely made days apart. My memory of the first trip was that the staff member - a Middle-Eastern man was incredibly friendly and personable. The Kebab at the time was pretty good but not exceptional but I ended up eating at Lazeez a lot more due to its general comparative quality.

Not much has changed in Ali Baba Kebabs; the quaint decor is still there, the Middle Eastern man still serves various food-stuffs from what seems like such a small takeaway but most of all, the quality on offer at this eatery is still fairly good too.When I asked for a large kebab, the sum of £5.50 seemed a little overboard for the container it was served in, however all fears were allayed when I opened the kebab sitting at it the seats of this joint. It was a sufficiently packed pita with all of the fine salad offerings one would come to expect from a doner. One thing I tend to avoid when going bab-deep is the insistence of cucumbers in a doner; they just don't add anything to the whole experience in my opinion. In a tuna sandwich, I would happily eat cucumbers but pretty much in any other circumstance, other than in raita sauces, cucumber just seems like a waste of time.

...that sauce tasted almost exactly like the chilli sauce you find in frozen doner kebabs...


First impressions of the chilli sauce is that it has a really smooth texture - not the thick, lumpy cut up vegetable textured stuff that usually signals the best of kebab chilli sauces. When I combined a cut of the meat with the salad, the first thing that hit me was the fact that sauce tasted almost exactly like the chilli sauce you find in frozen doner kebabs that you might get in Iceland - that's not too bad a thing though, in fact, I really liked and found it somewhat charming but I felt it was a tad sweet and not really that hot. There's also a nice tangy salad dressing, the typical creamy brown type that you might be accustomed to at times like these. The meat was really decent too - perhaps better than the likes of  Pasha but Pasha does seem to have a more consistent product in many ways. The meat tasted really satisfying though and there's something quite distinct about this kebab that you don't find in many kebabs in Edinburgh - I can't really put my finger on on it but suffice to say, once you have a doner here, it just scratches an itch that many other babs can't reach.

Upon the almighty lift, the pita bread holds up perfectly - it's really soft and doesn't have that toasty crisp that the Pasha pita bread had. The size of this kebab is also really good for the price; OK, it's no Madras  Cottage but when you consider that Topkapi are offering what is obviously a smaller product at £1.50 more, you find that this pretty good value. Perhaps the worst thing about Ali Baba is that Lazeez is around 5 minutes walk away and whilst it doesn't charge too much for its offering, the size difference is considerably noticeable - Ali Baba gives a far bigger bab but the kebab in Lazeez is tastier.

Are you visiting from a nearby town and hoping to pop on the train? That's where Ali Baba really shines. Picture yourself with ten minutes to go before your train is due, a mere stones throw away from Haymarket train station - you can run for a large kebab with all the trimmings and be a mere one minute late for the last train home, but it doesn't matter - you've got a large Ali Baba doner to keep you warm throughout the night and you can't get that at Waverly Station!

Verdict: 7/10